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Even if I were to forego the drugs I would be in so much pain and be more sleep deprived that I would forget my own name. I have a high tolerance for pain so when I say I am in pain it is severe. I prefer the drugs and knowing at the very least who I am and the names of all my pets.
However it is like giving in the least evil and when like this morning when I had an appointment with the psychiatric nurse practitioner for annual meds check. I knew the van was picking me up early for my appointment of 10am. I thought it was at 9:15am. I was ready to go at 9am. Had my book in my purse and my cell phone turned to vibrate only in my purse. I unlocked the front gate (cannot get to my front door unless gate is open) No door bell outside of the gate. I unlocked the gate at 9:05am. By 9:45am noone had shown up so went to get my phone to call and there was a voice message that they were there at 9am waiting 4 minutes and went on. Well I felt stupid. Too late to make my appointment so had to reschedule now I cannot get in until July.
Fortunately I still was picked up at 1pm to go shopping. I had a script to pick up and did some light grocery shopping. Came home. It was hot outside and in Walmart. Heat wears me out. Two hours later I leaned back in my chair to watch the wind hit my one big globe willow tree through the skylight above my chair and promptly fell asleep for 4 hours and I am still tired.
These lapses are not who I am/was. It depresses me as I do not choose on purpose to forget things, get things wrong and/or sleep the day away only to be still exhausted from doing what? shopping and watching the wind rip through my trees?
Anyone who was once was vibrant and on the move would be depressed to lose one's health so drastically as I have. It is like being tortured and thrown in prison and forgotten. To lose one's health is losing in life. It is just one corner of the depression I experience and it feeds off the other corners of depression in my house.
Blessings to all.