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One little corner in the house of depression

Posted by bellachai , 23 May 2012 · 68 views

The thing with being oxygen deprived (COPD), Sleep deprivation (apnia) and the taking meds for pain and anxiety (fibromyalgia and amitriptyline) creates a state of not getting things right even when written down, unable to recall names of people right away, forgetting what I was going down the hall to get, putting things in a safe place then forgetting where that safe place is, being late, and constantly being tired.

Even if I were to forego the drugs I would be in so much pain and be more sleep deprived that I would forget my own name. I have a high tolerance for pain so when I say I am in pain it is severe. I prefer the drugs and knowing at the very least who I am and the names of all my pets.

However it is like giving in the least evil and when like this morning when I had an appointment with the psychiatric nurse practitioner for annual meds check. I knew the van was picking me up early for my appointment of 10am. I thought it was at 9:15am. I was ready to go at 9am. Had my book in my purse and my cell phone turned to vibrate only in my purse. I unlocked the front gate (cannot get to my front door unless gate is open) No door bell outside of the gate. I unlocked the gate at 9:05am. By 9:45am noone had shown up so went to get my phone to call and there was a voice message that they were there at 9am waiting 4 minutes and went on. Well I felt stupid. Too late to make my appointment so had to reschedule now I cannot get in until July.

Fortunately I still was picked up at 1pm to go shopping. I had a script to pick up and did some light grocery shopping. Came home. It was hot outside and in Walmart. Heat wears me out. Two hours later I leaned back in my chair to watch the wind hit my one big globe willow tree through the skylight above my chair and promptly fell asleep for 4 hours and I am still tired.

These lapses are not who I am/was. It depresses me as I do not choose on purpose to forget things, get things wrong and/or sleep the day away only to be still exhausted from doing what? shopping and watching the wind rip through my trees?

Anyone who was once was vibrant and on the move would be depressed to lose one's health so drastically as I have. It is like being tortured and thrown in prison and forgotten. To lose one's health is losing in life. It is just one corner of the depression I experience and it feeds off the other corners of depression in my house.

Blessings to all.

May 23 2012 10:56 PM
Of course you don't choose it.... I am sorry you have to spend so much of your time so exhausted now. I hope some of your health issues improve with time and treatment. And I hope you find ways to enjoy the life you have even if you don't have the health and energy you would wish for.
May 24 2012 02:09 AM
Im sorry. I can relate so much.
Thank you both for your comments.

I am sorry that you can relate liveinflames.

MaybeJ, I am hoping that soon I will have what I need to survive and I did sign up for pulmonary rehab and I thing that will be very helpful to at least maintain my health at an acceptable level.

July 2016

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