Song and Word of the Month Part Two
Sue would do my shopping and run any errands. Lee was to see to my meals, housework and take me to doctors appointments. I would give them money for gas when I had it. My mom even gave them gas money in the amount of $50.00 one month. They deserved to get compensated for the help and I would have liked to have done that but no money means no money. I was grateful for everything they did for me and told them often I appreciated them.
Both Lee and Sue sought compensation separately on their own from me in behavior I thought foriegn to them. I would run out of food assistance funds about a week before the next deposit so I had a few days with little to no food. I discovered that when Sue was doing my shopping she thought it would be okay and just right to use my food assistance to pay for some of her groceries too without asking me or telling me. Lee's inappropriate unwanted behavoir and comments was most baffling to me. He thought that since he was taking care of me I should let him bathe me and help me put on my bra. He thought it was okay to stand near me and watch me while I was using the bathroom and hug me while copping a feel. He asked me why when I told him none of his advances were going to benefit him even if he divorced Sue. He just kept on doing it anyway. He would not hear my no, stop and no ways so I told Sue that I did not want Lee in my home alone again and why. I was not the only friend of Sue's where Lee was copping feels from so it was not the first she has heard of his poor behavior.
After I was approved for home health care they did my shopping and errands. The first two months Sue would call on my food assistance deposit day wanting to do my shopping for me. Then she stopped coming to visit with me and she stopped calling me. I found all this disturbing and triggering as well. Their help was costly.
I was so grateful when I was approved for medicaid cuz it meant every month I would have all my meds and I would get some of the medical care I need and haven't had for so long. Then I find out that medicaid help is conditional as well cuz they dictate how my T treats my mental health issues. The power to choose what method of therapy I need has been taken from me and my T.
My daughter moved in her boyfriend, Fake Jake not long after my breakdown 3 1/2 years ago stating that in return for free room and board he would help me out. Fake Jake lied by the minute and never finished anything he started. He obtain about three jobs in the 2 1/2 years he lived here and he did not last even a month at any of these jobs. My daughter and Fake Jake trashed my yard, my vehicle and my home. It took me swallowing a whole bottle of benadryl to get them to move out and go to Wyoming. They left me such a mess to clean up. Some help!!
My daughter after she moved out would call me almost daily to check on me and to chat. They moved out at the end of February last year. Within that time Fake Jake has lied to her, cheated on her, gone back to doing drugs and alcohol and abandoned her in Wyoming with no vehicle. Broken up with her several times then coming back saying he did not mean it and she takes him back. I thought this last Christmas season I would enjoy having her home during her Christmas break from school. No such luck. Fake Jake called her on New Years Eve to say he never wants to see her again she is boring and he has been cheating on her since they first arrived in Wyoming. She cried for two weeks while here in misery only for him to call her the day before she was leaving to go back to school saying he was waiting for her to return to Wyoming cuz he came back there and he did not even remember calling her on New Years Eve.. Yep she took him back, lost her best friend who kicked her out of their dorm room because of her getting back with him. No one and I mean no one likes this guy. I recently told her he was not welcome in my home and I believe he will hurt her again in someway. Since I said that to her she only calls me about once or twice a week and the conversations are much shorter. She is doing her daughterly duty I think.
I resisted applying for home health care from the beginning. My T wanted me to apply for it right after my daughter and Fake Jake moved out. I said no way. I am not shy but I am an introvert with PTSD and major depression along with physical health issues. Due to my depression I find bright lights, loud noises, the negative emotions of others and crowds cause me much anxiety. Having strangers coming into my home to clean felt like an invasion of my space, my safe place and I was/am ashamed of and embarrased by the deteriation of my home. And I was slowly working on cleaning it all up. But after I broke my arm and ankle I applied. I was approved was set up for 5 hours a week. A schedule was sent to me every week stating the days, hours and caregiver's name for each week. They were consistent with the days, Tuesdays and thursdays but the times and caregiver would fluxuate. Most of the time I would have the same two caregivers one on Tuesdays and one on Thursdays. They aren't allowed to do any pet care other than picking up pet supplies. They are suppose to do light housekeeping. laundry, hygene care and shopping and errands. They don't clean ovens, windows or yardwork.
The two ldies that came the most liked coming here. I always thank them for whatever they did for me. I was not verbally abusive or demanding and I did not have dirty dishes with caked on food piled high for them to wash or pet feces just laying around the carpet like some of their clients. They would talk to me telling me about their other clients which technically they are not suppose to do at all but I am good empathic listener. They told me that yes my home needs some work but is not even close to being as bad as some of their clients. A couple of months went by when these ladies started telling me of how people were quiting at an alarming rate and they were so short of people that they were working 10 to 12 hours a day and getting called in on their days off. They were so tired all the time that they were doing less and less in my home. so I was doing more and more which was good for me. It was not surprising to me that this company was having trouble keeping employees as these two ladies told me there salary is around 9 dollars an hour. They weren't compensated for travel time or mileage even running errands for the clients. They are required to provide a doctors note every time they call in sick even when it is obvious they have a cold or just for a day. Both of the regular ladies entered my home with colds and they did not wear a mask or gloves which I have here because they don't go to doctors for the common cold. But that is a risk for me with my breathing problems and I bet that is where I got the upper respritory infection I have had from them which developed into broncial pnuemonia. I should have asked them to leave but if they don't work they don't get paid sick time. Surprise visits to clients by a supervisor are to be expected once a month to ensure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing. It was 6 months before I had one of these visits.
About three weeks one of my regular ladies could not come because she got bit by a clients dog, a regular client she has had for quite awhile. The dog did not break the skin so she went on with her schedule. Then went to her third client of the day, a new client who had a loose parrot which bit her on the foot. So she was put on desk duty in the office. The next Tuesday I had one of the surprise visits about an hour before someone was scheduled to be here. It was two women, one I knew from when she came to give me all the paperwork when they first started coming here. I guess the other lady was the big boss. They did a walk through. My pets were all groomed well, look healthy with ample food and water. Cat litter boxes I changed just that morning cuz Tuesdays are trash pick up days. The ferrets room needed some cleaning but haven't done cuz of being so sick. There was no clutter or overflowing laundry basket. The kitchen counters were clean and clear. My house is way better than 6 months ago. My bedroom needs some work too but it was not like gross or anything. No dust on my furniture and no dust bunnies/oobwebs hanging around. Anyway they asked me why the ladies have not been cleaning my bedroom. I said I did not know. They told me that one of the temporary fill in lady who came only once reported that I asked her to clean the ferret's room and change the litter boxes. that was a total lie. I only asked her to go shopping for pet food and litter which they are allowed to do. Then the lady I did not know said that due to the number of pets I have (one dog, 6 cats and at that time 4 ferrets)and having rodents as pets is probably why I am so sick and so she was pulling my care. They said they would check on me occationally. Ignorant woman. Ferrets are not rodents. Actually ferrets were originally brought here to America to keep rodents out of their grain silos. Wild ferrets eat rodents. Ferrets are related to pole cats.
My situational counselor for medicaid and home health care called me later that day. I felt like scum and angry and humilated by that time. She told me that it was not a punitive thing. Yeah well I know there is a little truth to every lie. She said she would try to figure something out and would be talking to me often for the next month or so. Neither have called me since.
I am on a roll now and almost done.
My daughter has a friend here, Morgan who she has known since they were in third grade about 15 years now. Morgan even lived with us for a short time when her mother kicked her out for poor behavior. Morgan was considered extended family as well. She and her husband have done some nice things for me and she and I talk or text at least once a week. Last week I texted her asking if she would take me to the store the next day. Walmart is two miles from my house and across the street from her house. I usually ask her to take me there once every two weeks or so. She has always told me she would help me in any way she can. She said sure and then we went on to chat about other things. She did not show up the next day so the next day I texted her to ask if she forgot about me. No response, The next day was when my Zelda died. I texted her and called her leaving a message saying Please Morgan Zelda died and I need help. No response. So I was worried something happened or was wrong but I could not do anything about that.
My daughter called Sunday in tears asking me if it was true that Zelda died and when was I going to tell her about it. I told her when I thought she did not have so much on her plate. Morgan was the only person I had told about Zelda's death so asked my daughter if everything was okay with Morgan. So I told her why I asked. My daughter must have asked Morgan why she hasn't replied to me. My daughter then forwarded what Morgan texted to her. She told my daughter that yeah it was sad that Zelda died and not to be mean or anything but I expect so much from her but I won't even do one little thing for her so she was teaching me a lesson. I never expect her to do anything for me. She only had to say no or come to me to tell me how she felt. I have no idea what little things she wants me to do for her. My daughter asked her that in a text and Morgan did not respond to her. Morgan knew I was really sick.
Okay I am done now. That is the last of my friends to fade away and out of my life. I find all these situations unacceptable then I think no it's me. It is all my fault. I caused it. I deserve not to have anyone help me. I brought this all on myself. There has to be something seriously wrong with me not to have any friends. I don't get it.
How do I accept the unacceptable??
I am sorry this is so long. I bottled it all up for so long that Morgan was the straw that broke my back and it just has been regurgitated here on my blog. If you read all of this bless you.