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Forgiveness

Posted by bellachai , 02 August 2010 · 70 views

I read this today: "Forgiveness is memories remembered without pain, anger or resentment".

I admit I have not ever thought of forgiveness as the above definition. What it seems to tell me is that once you feel indifferent to the abuse endured that you are in the state of forgiveness.

What is wrong with not forgiving such horror as I have endured. Isn't okay to just accept it happened and still not forgive the abuser. I have heard that saying 'forgiveness will set you free'. To me it is like saying I do not like what you did but I forgive you so it is okay now that you hurt me. The abuser is then validated. I do not want to validate any abuser.

Those of you reading this what do you think of this definition and am I thinking falsely??

Blessings to all



my mother (and whole family) are fundamentalist christians. my mother called me 'the most unforgiving person she knew' after i disclosed. she was studying to be a lawyer (she's given it up for now for time restraint reasons) and yet she had a problem with me pursuing legal action against my coach. in her mind i should have forgiven him. i think because she wanted me to also forgive her husband.

i think forgiveness is a personal choice. i haven't reached a point where i am able to forgive the abuse that was done to me.

and personally? i don't feel that forgiving will take away the 'pain, anger or resentment'. maybe the resentment.

i think it is ok to not forgive them. i know of christians who say that forgiveness for these people who perpetrate is up to god. it's not our responsibility or obligation.
I don't believe forgiveness is necessary. It is insane when you think about it, someone abuses you, and to heal you have to tell them that it is okay? That is abuse in and of itself! I will never forgive my abusers. Even if they asked for it (which they haven't of course, why would they) I will never forgive them. I don't think I have to, and I don't think I should, I don't think that they deserve it, anymore then I deserved to be abused.

Forgiveness is not happening here.

As for the definition you listed, to me that is acceptance, which is very very very different then forgiveness. I don't think you have to do that either.
I have my own personal feeling about forgiveness. Some consider it an either/or situation. For me it is not in the equation, forgiving nor is not forgiving.
Thank you Pink, Chelirach and Zelda for your replies. It is helpful to me that I am not the only one who feels forgiveness is not required to move forward in the healing process. I have no desire to forgive, accept or feel indifferent about my abuse or anyone else's for that matter. I am just afraid that if I don't work on this that I would always be stuck in not healing or moving forward.

Blessings to you all
I don't think forgiveness is necessary, either. I don't think anyone who has SAed me deserves my forgiveness. I'm not going to say that it was okay, because it wasn't.

Like chelirach said, I think that is more a definition of acceptance. But I don't think you have to remember without pain, anger, or resentment. I think even as time passes, maybe the pain lessens but it is still there to some extent.

I don't think forgiveness is necessary, either. I don't think anyone who has SAed me deserves my forgiveness. I'm not going to say that it was okay, because it wasn't.

Like chelirach said, I think that is more a definition of acceptance. But I don't think you have to remember without pain, anger, or resentment. I think even as time passes, maybe the pain lessens but it is still there to some extent.


Thank you Rebekkah for your input. I am thinking our abuse is the ultimate betrayal and violation that the pain will always be there but hopefully when we heal the pain will be manageable to a twinge. Society should not be forgiving either. They are incurable and the damage has already been done just stop them from damaging others. This is a road no one wants to walk. It is lonely, long, dirty and dark.

Blessings Rebekkah

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