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duh!

Posted by bellachai , 29 July 2010 · 26 views

It is strange when you spend your entire life trying not hurt anyone in anyway, always taking care of everyone and their needs and wants and sacrificing who you are then switch to trying to find out who you really are by going to therapy and doing things to help yourself to becoming whole, true to yourself and achieve wellbeing on so many levels to discover things overlooked.

My mother allowed my sister to spend summers with the evil stepfather after she left him (we had moved out of state). She cared about him and actually loved him. I felt he abused me because he hated me and did not abuse her because he loved her so at age 12 I never thought she was in danger. I was wrong and when my sister was 11 and came home from a stay with him I caught her tearing up all the letters and pictures he sent her. I asked her what she was doing and she was crying then she told me what he had done to her and it was just what he had done to me without the physical abuse. I can remember thinking oh no not her she loved him. His betrayal to her was so much worse. He abused her because I was no longer within his reach. I felt guilty and felt it was my fault. I was angry as well so I told my mother in hopes to stop it. My sister was never the same again. She just went wild and at age 11 she began to self medicate with alcohol and became a wild child. My mother chose not to prosecute the evil stepfather who was then married to an exnun. All that was so wrong,every bit of it. Since that time I made no secret of being a survivor of CSA. Not that I ever brought up the subject myself or gave any details to anyone. I just would awknowledge I had been abuse and no more than that. I falsely believed that my entire family was aware of all this including my sisters abuse.

When I set up my facebook account I wrote on there that I was a survivor and am working at healing it all. This caused some problems for my sister as she never told her children and my children have always known I am a survivor although they do not know the details just that it is so. My nephews saw that on my account and of course called their mother for enlightenment. It was never my intention to hurt her and I falsely thought they all knew. How stupid of me.

What I find sad is that even my mother is not telling family why I had the breakdown and is passing it off as only physical problems. My sister up to this point was also passing this off to her family as my physical problems. Neither are facing the truth for their own reasons. I just am sorry they feel it needs to remain a secret. Keeping abuse secret is how abuse is able to thrive in my opinion.

Never assume anything and expect nothing. :unsure:



I am sorry your family denies your experience, mine is the same way, I only told my mother about one thing, and she did not believe me, no one else knows anything. It is painful and hard and forces you to be silent. My abuse is a secret from my entire family and most people I know

I think it is wonderful and brave that you are so outspoken about it, you have so much courage and you should continue that way. What the evil step father did to your sister was not your fault, you are not to blame, and everyone responds and deals in their own way, but her response does not have to dictate yours. You can speak and be open about it, I don't think you need to or should change your behavior for them. You are not sharing with them your sisters abuse, you are talking about your own.

Keep talking, keep "being out" about it. Your needs do matter, you do matter, and your experience should not be denied. I don't think you are hurting anyone by speaking, I think they are hurting you by denying your abuse

Take care of yourself, you deserve it

I am sorry your family denies your experience, mine is the same way, I only told my mother about one thing, and she did not believe me, no one else knows anything. It is painful and hard and forces you to be silent. My abuse is a secret from my entire family and most people I know

I think it is wonderful and brave that you are so outspoken about it, you have so much courage and you should continue that way. What the evil step father did to your sister was not your fault, you are not to blame, and everyone responds and deals in their own way, but her response does not have to dictate yours. You can speak and be open about it, I don't think you need to or should change your behavior for them. You are not sharing with them your sisters abuse, you are talking about your own.

Keep talking, keep "being out" about it. Your needs do matter, you do matter, and your experience should not be denied. I don't think you are hurting anyone by speaking, I think they are hurting you by denying your abuse

Take care of yourself, you deserve it


Thank you for your kind and caring response. I confess I did not think of it as you stated in their denial and refusal to speak of it they are hurting me. This is true and baffles me as well. The abuse is a fact. No one not even our selves are not comfortable with speaking of the details. Even I have trouble speaking of the details even to my T. My family likes to say I am dwelling on the past. It is not dwelling. Telling the details is like reliving the horror of it and who in their right mind wants to relive that horror. By remembering I fell the body pain, the emotional pain and such aloneness. Yet I know now my freedom depends on my going through all this. I desire to be free then help others like us to be free. This goal is the light at the end of my tunnel.

I also did not think that my sister was denying her own abuse and apparntly is. Since the day she was tearing up his cards and letters we have not spoken of it since.

Anyway thank you again and you take care of you. You also deserve it. Blessings Chelirach
I suppose denial is the big engine that keeps the cycle of abuse pumping. Well not very well worded but I am from the same family - denial wise. I suppose unfornately it is textbook. I too am sick of that damn textbook.

I suppose denial is the big engine that keeps the cycle of abuse pumping. Well not very well worded but I am from the same family - denial wise. I suppose unfornately it is textbook. I too am sick of that damn textbook.


Thank you Zelda for your reply. I suppose that is why there are so many of us here, attempting to write a new textbook. Blessings to you.
exactly
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missophelia
Jul 29 2010 02:09 PM
I agree with Chelirach. They are hurting you by their denial of the abuse. How awful is that of them, that they cover it up with stories of physical problems. That they won't face the truth, for your sake, in defense of you, is unforgivable, in my mind.

I can identify, because it is the same with my family. That's why I'll never say anything to any one of them about my mother, or my uncle, or even about any of the other crap that goes on in my family.

You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to talk, to be out there, to be open, about your abuse. I say keep going, my friend, because it is something you find valuable in your healing. Don't let anyone in your family try to make you back down.

Stay strong, and take care of yourself. You deserve the healing you are doing through such hard work. And all of the greatness and wonderfulness that healing makes you feel and think about yourself.

:) :)

I agree with Chelirach. They are hurting you by their denial of the abuse. How awful is that of them, that they cover it up with stories of physical problems. That they won't face the truth, for your sake, in defense of you, is unforgivable, in my mind.

I can identify, because it is the same with my family. That's why I'll never say anything to any one of them about my mother, or my uncle, or even about any of the other crap that goes on in my family.

You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to talk, to be out there, to be open, about your abuse. I say keep going, my friend, because it is something you find valuable in your healing. Don't let anyone in your family try to make you back down.

Stay strong, and take care of yourself. You deserve the healing you are doing through such hard work. And all of the greatness and wonderfulness that healing makes you feel and think about yourself.

:) :)


Thank you as always for your support and your kind and wise words. Blessings and :hug: :hug: :hug:
I am really sorry your family is this way. I don't talk about my assaults with my family because i know they wouldn't understand, but I think it is very brave of you to be so open about it.

I agree, I think it is important as survivors to speak out whenever we feel able (and for some that is just not possible) but the more people that speak out I feel like it will gradually take away the shame and stigma. I think you speaking out may give others courage to do so as well.
:hug: :hug:

I am really sorry your family is this way. I don't talk about my assaults with my family because i know they wouldn't understand, but I think it is very brave of you to be so open about it.

I agree, I think it is important as survivors to speak out whenever we feel able (and for some that is just not possible) but the more people that speak out I feel like it will gradually take away the shame and stigma. I think you speaking out may give others courage to do so as well.
:hug: :hug:


Thank you rebekkah for your reply. I do not feel brave. When I am not here at pandy's I feel mostly alone without understanding or caring. My family seem more indifferent than anything else. They do not seem to take what I am going through seriously or perhaps they do not want to travel this difficult path with me. I do not know.

I would like to see the stigma of all abuse and mental illness is not stopped entirely at least not so harshly labeled or judged.

Blessings

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