I met up with my parents this morning at Dad's doctor appointment for his back. Dr. told him his lifting anything days are over for the rest of his life. He hasn't any discs left. No wonder he walks kind of crooked. It is all those years of lifting cement panels. Anyway mom gave me some veggies from their garden; zuccini, broccoli, cabbage and carrots. Yum. I gave a book and a movie. I always get more stuff from her than she does from me. She gave me some magazines for my collaging which she and dad think is such a wierd useless thing for me to do, plus a couple of books to read.
I don't know if I am paranoid or if I read more into what my mother says or I am spot on in suble digs to make me feel guilty cuz I do not help her out. While I was chatting to them in the doctors office mom grabs this brochure for people who come to assist people in their homes like doing their shopping for them, some light housekeeping and doing some of the personal grooming plus giving care givers a break. She said she may have to call them as she gets no help from anyone now that dad cannot do what he use to and he just does nothing and she has to do everything. I then feel guilty and offer to do her grocery shopping or bring out anything they need once I get my vehicle running and have to rely on my daughter for transportation even though Dad and mom have two vehicles and dad doesn't even drive anymore. No offer from her. Okay I am getting angry...wait...ten breaths...okay. So after I left her I went to Wallmart to pick up a few things and by the time I got home I was having a hard time breathing, perspiring in buckets and all worn out. I am thinking to myself OMG what was I thinking of shopping for myself is such an ordeal how would I manage doing mom's shopping. Not only do I have issues that brought me here to Pandy's but I also have physical issues as well. Why should I feel guilty especially since since her being such a nonparent while growing up is partially the reason I am in the boat I am right now. It is almost laughable that I would feel sorry for her and want to help her out and lighten her load a little when that is what I am seeking for myself. This is so messed up and confusing.
I heard from a friend today I hadn't heard from for months. That was nice and fun chatting and catching up.
I happened to answer the phone when my children's father called my daughter and I actually talked to him for awhile. He actually apologized for being such a jerk while we were married. Wow!!! and whatever.
Earlier to day I was reading things in Pandy's and I actually had a flashback. I haven't had one in so long I thought (wishful thinking on my part) I was all done with them. Not so and this one was not even regarding my evil stepfather. I was about 12 and my mom had divorced my evil stepfather by then. I was visiting my Gram and so were some cousins. My cousin Pixie who is about 4 years older than I am shared a bed with me in Gram's spare room. I fell asleep then woke to realize she was playing with my pubic hair. I just laid there and pretended to be asleep scared out of my mind. She carressed my breasts too. I felt sick and wanted to move but was afraid. Pixie was a mean child. She was wild. She finally quit after a half hour. When I was sure she was asleep I got up and got in bed with Gram. For the rest of my stay I slept with Gram even though she snored very loud. I never told anyone cuz I forgot about it or repressed it. today this memory hit and I thought no that did not happen I am having a false memory and all day it has haunted me and I now know it did happen. I wish I had not remembered it. My T once told me that people who have experienced childhood abuse often times experience abuse when they are older as well. Well it is true for me anyway.
Is it true for others here?
What a wierd day. Now if only it would rain tonight.