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Strange day

Posted by bellachai , 23 July 2010 · 15 views

Yep odd occurances today.

I met up with my parents this morning at Dad's doctor appointment for his back. Dr. told him his lifting anything days are over for the rest of his life. He hasn't any discs left. No wonder he walks kind of crooked. It is all those years of lifting cement panels. Anyway mom gave me some veggies from their garden; zuccini, broccoli, cabbage and carrots. Yum. I gave a book and a movie. I always get more stuff from her than she does from me. She gave me some magazines for my collaging which she and dad think is such a wierd useless thing for me to do, plus a couple of books to read.

I don't know if I am paranoid or if I read more into what my mother says or I am spot on in suble digs to make me feel guilty cuz I do not help her out. While I was chatting to them in the doctors office mom grabs this brochure for people who come to assist people in their homes like doing their shopping for them, some light housekeeping and doing some of the personal grooming plus giving care givers a break. She said she may have to call them as she gets no help from anyone now that dad cannot do what he use to and he just does nothing and she has to do everything. I then feel guilty and offer to do her grocery shopping or bring out anything they need once I get my vehicle running and have to rely on my daughter for transportation even though Dad and mom have two vehicles and dad doesn't even drive anymore. No offer from her. Okay I am getting angry...wait...ten breaths...okay. So after I left her I went to Wallmart to pick up a few things and by the time I got home I was having a hard time breathing, perspiring in buckets and all worn out. I am thinking to myself OMG what was I thinking of shopping for myself is such an ordeal how would I manage doing mom's shopping. Not only do I have issues that brought me here to Pandy's but I also have physical issues as well. Why should I feel guilty especially since since her being such a nonparent while growing up is partially the reason I am in the boat I am right now. It is almost laughable that I would feel sorry for her and want to help her out and lighten her load a little when that is what I am seeking for myself. This is so messed up and confusing.

I heard from a friend today I hadn't heard from for months. That was nice and fun chatting and catching up.

I happened to answer the phone when my children's father called my daughter and I actually talked to him for awhile. He actually apologized for being such a jerk while we were married. Wow!!! and whatever.

Earlier to day I was reading things in Pandy's and I actually had a flashback. I haven't had one in so long I thought (wishful thinking on my part) I was all done with them. Not so and this one was not even regarding my evil stepfather. I was about 12 and my mom had divorced my evil stepfather by then. I was visiting my Gram and so were some cousins. My cousin Pixie who is about 4 years older than I am shared a bed with me in Gram's spare room. I fell asleep then woke to realize she was playing with my pubic hair. I just laid there and pretended to be asleep scared out of my mind. She carressed my breasts too. I felt sick and wanted to move but was afraid. Pixie was a mean child. She was wild. She finally quit after a half hour. When I was sure she was asleep I got up and got in bed with Gram. For the rest of my stay I slept with Gram even though she snored very loud. I never told anyone cuz I forgot about it or repressed it. today this memory hit and I thought no that did not happen I am having a false memory and all day it has haunted me and I now know it did happen. I wish I had not remembered it. My T once told me that people who have experienced childhood abuse often times experience abuse when they are older as well. Well it is true for me anyway.
Is it true for others here?

What a wierd day. Now if only it would rain tonight.

Blessings all



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missophelia
Jul 24 2010 12:08 AM
(((bellachai)))

I hope you get your rain!! I got mine, and it has cooled things off wonderfully.

I know personally how hard it is to deal with a parent who plays the whole guilt game. And then the whole belittling you for your collaging. Which really makes no sense, since it is your thing, and it doesn't affect either of them.

Bottom line is you have to take care of you first, and I know how hard that is. I'll be thinking of you, and any time you need to talk, PM me. :)

It must have been great hearing from your friend. And I'm thinking it was probably a little weird hearing that from your children's dad.

I'm sure tbat flashback was really hard. So please take gentle care of yourself. You're worth all the kindness you can give yourself, and you deserve to be treated that way by everyone else, too.

And yes, it's true for me, about what you said about childhood abuse.

Blessings to you. :)
your t's comment is true for me...

i'm sorry you had that flashback.

i haven't been reading your blog that long, but long enough to know that you're in no shape to be doing extra work helping your mother out at the moment...when it's a struggle to take care of yourself. you have no reason to feel guilty there.

(((bellachai)))

I hope you get your rain!! I got mine, and it has cooled things off wonderfully.

I know personally how hard it is to deal with a parent who plays the whole guilt game. And then the whole belittling you for your collaging. Which really makes no sense, since it is your thing, and it doesn't affect either of them.

Bottom line is you have to take care of you first, and I know how hard that is. I'll be thinking of you, and any time you need to talk, PM me. :)

It must have been great hearing from your friend. And I'm thinking it was probably a little weird hearing that from your children's dad.

I'm sure tbat flashback was really hard. So please take gentle care of yourself. You're worth all the kindness you can give yourself, and you deserve to be treated that way by everyone else, too.

And yes, it's true for me, about what you said about childhood abuse.

Blessings to you. :)


Thank you as always missophelia for your understanding and words of encouragement. Yes we have much in common.
Blessings and :hug: :hug: :hug:

your t's comment is true for me...

i'm sorry you had that flashback.

i haven't been reading your blog that long, but long enough to know that you're in no shape to be doing extra work helping your mother out at the moment...when it's a struggle to take care of yourself. you have no reason to feel guilty there.


Thank you Pink for reading my blog and replying to it.

Right now that is what I am suppose to work on in therapy - saying no to all the guilt I feel that is not from my own actions. If I am not doing or being what others want me to do and be then I feel guilty. Actually I feel guilty for everything including what is no longer in my control to change. I cannot go back to the healthy active person I was 5 years ago. In my brain this is accepting the unacceptable.

Having the flash back was scary because once again I am thinking OMG what else is going to show up when I least expect it. Haven't I remembered enough already?? I am not as freaked out today as I slept well last night.

Again thank you Pink.

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