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Enertia

Posted by bellachai , 19 July 2010 · 17 views

Each night with good intentions I pray for motivation and plan out what I will accomplish the next day. Upon waking every morning I still have that first thought: Why did I have to wake up? Then I do not accomplish anything. I just live in my little world wonding who the hell am I, what do I have to look forward to and where am I going?

It has been two years now since I imploded. I just walked out on my job of eleven years and everyone I knew. I dropped out of everything refusing to leave my home or speak to anyone. I am healing but it is at a snail pace and sometimes I take two steps forward the slide back four steps. It is frustrating. The cure sometimes feels worse than the illness. I am taking care of my mental and emotional issues but my physical ones are barely being maintained as I cannot afford to take care of them properly and fully. Social Security disability is taking so long. It has been over a year now since I applied. I have a lawyer for it. What else can I do?????

What use to take me 30 minutes to do takes over an hour to do now. How do I learn to accept the unacceptable? That physically I will never be able to do all the things I use to do. How do I motivate myself to get past this enertia?

Is it worth it?

Blessings



I know these feelings all too well, all of my life. I know what you mean so that it is so hard and so much effort and pain and our reward for trying is things get WORSE ! That is why we are here, to remind each other that things will get a whole lot worse before they get better and we will help each other every step of the way and yes you are worth it.
I agree with everything Zelda said. I know what you mean with the cure being worse, and the frustration of all of it, and the slowness.

My therapist, who is a cancer survivor, compared it to chemotherapy, which is essentially poison. She said working through this stuff is like emotional chemotherapy, it feels like it is killing you, but in the end it gets better and the horrible cancer is gone. It no longer eats you from the inside, you can survive and thrive.

I know these feelings all too well, all of my life. I know what you mean so that it is so hard and so much effort and pain and our reward for trying is things get WORSE ! That is why we are here, to remind each other that things will get a whole lot worse before they get better and we will help each other every step of the way and yes you are worth it.


Thank you Zelda. I just wish I could just feel that worthiness just a little. I wish I could just have a glimpse of something different and something better. I guess what I am looking for is hope and I seem lost to it. I feel a little alive when I am in pandy's and I think it is because I do not want anyone to suffer as I have and so many here have suffered much worse. I remind myself that pain is relative. Anyway thanks for your reply and thinking I am worth continuing. Blessings

I agree with everything Zelda said. I know what you mean with the cure being worse, and the frustration of all of it, and the slowness.

My therapist, who is a cancer survivor, compared it to chemotherapy, which is essentially poison. She said working through this stuff is like emotional chemotherapy, it feels like it is killing you, but in the end it gets better and the horrible cancer is gone. It no longer eats you from the inside, you can survive and thrive.


Thank you chelirach for your reply. You know though that not all survive cancer even after chemotherapy. How many of us do not survive? I hope I am one of those who thrive but some days I do not even want to try cuz it is so exhausting. Blessings


I agree with everything Zelda said. I know what you mean with the cure being worse, and the frustration of all of it, and the slowness.

My therapist, who is a cancer survivor, compared it to chemotherapy, which is essentially poison. She said working through this stuff is like emotional chemotherapy, it feels like it is killing you, but in the end it gets better and the horrible cancer is gone. It no longer eats you from the inside, you can survive and thrive.


Thank you chelirach for your reply. You know though that not all survive cancer even after chemotherapy. How many of us do not survive? I hope I am one of those who thrive but some days I do not even want to try cuz it is so exhausting. Blessings


It is funny you say that, because that is what I said to my therapist "people die of cancer regardless of chemotherapy" and she said that is where the analogy fails but it is her belief that emotional chemo always works. She has faith in me, which give me faith, and I have faith in you.



I agree with everything Zelda said. I know what you mean with the cure being worse, and the frustration of all of it, and the slowness.

My therapist, who is a cancer survivor, compared it to chemotherapy, which is essentially poison. She said working through this stuff is like emotional chemotherapy, it feels like it is killing you, but in the end it gets better and the horrible cancer is gone. It no longer eats you from the inside, you can survive and thrive.


Thank you Chelirach, you are so sweet. My therapist also has faith in me and I often wonder why. I perhaps should ask her this oming Wednesday when I see her.

Do you think things to death like I do? I feel that you do and if I am correct I am wondering if you have learned to let some things go. And if so how.

Blessings and thank you again

Thank you chelirach for your reply. You know though that not all survive cancer even after chemotherapy. How many of us do not survive? I hope I am one of those who thrive but some days I do not even want to try cuz it is so exhausting. Blessings


It is funny you say that, because that is what I said to my therapist "people die of cancer regardless of chemotherapy" and she said that is where the analogy fails but it is her belief that emotional chemo always works. She has faith in me, which give me faith, and I have faith in you.

July 2014

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