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Love or Hate?

Posted by bellachai , 15 April 2010 · 19 views

Well here I am again at the library and my mind set is really a little worse than yesterday. It is an underlying anger of somesort. Not the violent kind but a slow burn going towards a hissy fit like a child stomping her feet screaming 'Noooooooo I won't go there". It is rather childish and not really like me. I am always calm and in control of myself but I do not want to at the moment but I have to cuz I am at the public library. No win situation but I will make it through.

I will attempt to blog what I lost yesterday.

My mother went home from the hospital last Friday evening after my blog of that day. I was driving her home in her car she left in the hospital parking lot. I sent my daughter on to see to my dad in my trustee 4runner until we got there.

My mother was gathering all her stuff together and getting dressed when she told me she was sorry she had me in tears earlier that day. She said that she was not trying to tell me what to do, critisize me or judge me in anyway. She is just hoping that I would follow her advice because she loves me so much. I then look at her as she has never said that to me first in my entire life as far as I can remember anyway. But when I look at her she is sitting in a chair attempting to put her bra on and her breasts were totally exposed and she just looked at me. I really wanted to run out of there as fast as I could screaming. Wow how totally inappropriate or very comical it was but I was not laughing. I try to find humor in most situations but the last week with her I could not find any. It is all just one big mind fuck. Sorry for the language but there is no other phrase for it.
It is all just bullshit and lies sugercoated with ughly truths. My emotions are over the place with all this.

My mother told me my sister gave up emailing me as I did not respond. I thought oh yeah I changed my email address around the time of my breakdown so did not even notice I had not received any emails from her. So I did reconnect with her and she returned my email twice now. I do not know about this either cuz I do not trust her or my mother. My sister slept with my exhusband when I was still married to him. She does not know I know this as what is the point. Both these women say the care about me and love me but I actually think they hate me cuz they are not me so they punish me with their betrayals, secrets and lies. I have no desire to tell my sister what my mother did to her as a child that was so abusive. Perhaps I will when mom is dead. I don't know but now I am keeping secrets and I do not like it yet I do not want to lower myself to their levels by causing them pain even though I think they both deserve it. Having sex with my husband is not the only person she slept with that meant something to me. She crossed lines a sister normally would not cross in so many ways on so many different levels. It is so sad really. She self medicates her damage with alcohol. My mother is beyond my comprehension right now.

I don't know how to wrap my head around all this right now and I am grieving it all too.

I want some inner peace.

I did not have an appointment with my T this week as her schedule was full but I do go this coming Monday and I can hardly wait for her to help me through all this crap.



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missophelia
Apr 15 2010 12:49 PM
I know of that underlying anger. It may be trying to surface because you are healing, and that takes a lot of work, and it also takes facing the demons of your past. I think it makes it so much harder for you because your mother depends on you, so everything is kind of thrown in your face. I can see how you feel like the whole thing is a mind fuck.

And it must feel like a slap in the face to know about your sister and your ex. You are so strong to even have anything to do with her.

It's hard, when people say one thing, and do another. Especially if it is family doing it. It must be so hard for you when they say they love you, but exhibit behavior that says otherwise. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You deserve better.

I hope you can hang in there until Monday. I've been in that spot, needing so desperately to speak with my therapist, and having to wait. I hope your computer problem is fixed. It might help to write things out here, even if you don't publish them into your blog.

Stay strong, and I wish you peace :hug: :hug: :hug:
I know about anger too. A little too well.
I think it comes when we are healing, we are angry and sad and pissed and grieving and scared and sometimes for me it all comes out as rage.
I hope you feel better soon.

I know of that underlying anger. It may be trying to surface because you are healing, and that takes a lot of work, and it also takes facing the demons of your past. I think it makes it so much harder for you because your mother depends on you, so everything is kind of thrown in your face. I can see how you feel like the whole thing is a mind fuck.

And it must feel like a slap in the face to know about your sister and your ex. You are so strong to even have anything to do with her.

It's hard, when people say one thing, and do another. Especially if it is family doing it. It must be so hard for you when they say they love you, but exhibit behavior that says otherwise. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You deserve better.

I hope you can hang in there until Monday. I've been in that spot, needing so desperately to speak with my therapist, and having to wait. I hope your computer problem is fixed. It might help to write things out here, even if you don't publish them into your blog.

Stay strong, and I wish you peace :hug: :hug: :hug:


Yeah I checked yesterday to see if I could get in to see my T sooner but alas she actually is on vacation. Therapists get vacations??? If anyone deserves vacations I would think it would be good therapists after all they must hear on a daily basis. I will survive until she returns. :rolleyes:

Thank you for your caring and kind response. Haha I am even sorry I am having to deal with all this emotionally. I got home and sort of fell apart crying. Guess I needed to cleanse my soul. I sure do not like crying in front of anyone. It seems so private for some reason. I slept alot yesterday so maybe I was also very tired. Feel better today so far.

No I do not trust either my mother or my sister. I am very wary what I tell either of them as it should be but I still get hurt by them. Whenever I learn appropriate boundries perhaps this will all change.

Anyway thank you much for your support and caring. I hope all is well with you. Many hugs to you my friend.

I know about anger too. A little too well.
I think it comes when we are healing, we are angry and sad and pissed and grieving and scared and sometimes for me it all comes out as rage.
I hope you feel better soon.


Thank you for sharing. I am not use to having emotional overload like this and what to do with it all. I am better today so far. I slept alot yesterday. My favorite escape route.

Take good care of yourself.
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silentwords
May 07 2010 01:19 AM
wow......*safe hugs* the story of your mom made me laugh first off. i love the humor you are able to find in things. secondly, wow about your sister. i'm sorry that you are feeling these negative feelings......and i don't blame you one bit.

i once heard someone say that it is easier to hurt the people that we love (or are forced to be around, care about, like family) because somewhere inside of us has a tiny bit of hope that those people will eventually forgive us.....that they won't abandon us on the spot. that just came to mind....for some reason. don't really have a point i suppose.

i wonder if your sister being ...promiscuous (don't know if that is the right word, trying to chose a safe one) isn't due to her dealing with "issues" that she has as well. do you think that your sister actually already remembers or senses what happened to her as a child? my first memory is from about a year old, (around there, don't want to think too deep on it to remember the actual age)...so it's not completely impossible. a lot of the time, even if we don't have a memory, we somewhat sense certain things. i know that i have struggled with some promiscuity (not recent, thank God) after my SA happened, and would probably say that other "issues" people have to deal with can cause some promiscuity as well. of course i am not saying this gives her the right or an excuse to do such things! you have every right to be angry of course (you go girl :D haha)

i hope that you are doing okay *safe hugs*

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