Love or Hate?
I will attempt to blog what I lost yesterday.
My mother went home from the hospital last Friday evening after my blog of that day. I was driving her home in her car she left in the hospital parking lot. I sent my daughter on to see to my dad in my trustee 4runner until we got there.
My mother was gathering all her stuff together and getting dressed when she told me she was sorry she had me in tears earlier that day. She said that she was not trying to tell me what to do, critisize me or judge me in anyway. She is just hoping that I would follow her advice because she loves me so much. I then look at her as she has never said that to me first in my entire life as far as I can remember anyway. But when I look at her she is sitting in a chair attempting to put her bra on and her breasts were totally exposed and she just looked at me. I really wanted to run out of there as fast as I could screaming. Wow how totally inappropriate or very comical it was but I was not laughing. I try to find humor in most situations but the last week with her I could not find any. It is all just one big mind fuck. Sorry for the language but there is no other phrase for it.
It is all just bullshit and lies sugercoated with ughly truths. My emotions are over the place with all this.
My mother told me my sister gave up emailing me as I did not respond. I thought oh yeah I changed my email address around the time of my breakdown so did not even notice I had not received any emails from her. So I did reconnect with her and she returned my email twice now. I do not know about this either cuz I do not trust her or my mother. My sister slept with my exhusband when I was still married to him. She does not know I know this as what is the point. Both these women say the care about me and love me but I actually think they hate me cuz they are not me so they punish me with their betrayals, secrets and lies. I have no desire to tell my sister what my mother did to her as a child that was so abusive. Perhaps I will when mom is dead. I don't know but now I am keeping secrets and I do not like it yet I do not want to lower myself to their levels by causing them pain even though I think they both deserve it. Having sex with my husband is not the only person she slept with that meant something to me. She crossed lines a sister normally would not cross in so many ways on so many different levels. It is so sad really. She self medicates her damage with alcohol. My mother is beyond my comprehension right now.
I don't know how to wrap my head around all this right now and I am grieving it all too.
I want some inner peace.
I did not have an appointment with my T this week as her schedule was full but I do go this coming Monday and I can hardly wait for her to help me through all this crap.