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It feels like Toxicity 'T'

Posted by bellachai , 09 April 2010 · 38 views

I just got back from the hospital. My mother probably won't get to go home until tomorrow. Her eye looks a little better but she had to ask for some pain meds so once again she was kind of loopy. She called me this morning early to ask me to bring her a chocolate milkshake for breakfast. Whatever. I brought it. I wonder if she will remember some of the things she has been telling me the last two days. I came home in tears today.

I brought her some panties and socks from her house. I brought her purse and checkbooks. I gave her a lesson on how to work her cell phone properly. She gives me a check to deposit to her checking account. She gives me all her prescriptions to drop off so they will be ready when she gets out of the hospital. She gives me instructions for my dad. Okay I can deal with all this no problem. Helping her out and seeing to dad is okay and not too taxing for me.

However, the things she has been telling me is just too much all at once. It is triggering me and there is not shutting her up.

First it was going over stuff should she and dad die. We have been through this conversation many times and it has not changed. So that was boring and time consuming. Then she asks me if I feel able to still be the executer of their estate. I say yes no problem unless I drop dead before then.

That starts her off on my health and what our doctor told her about my health. Well they must have had quite a conversation. I am going to have to change my in case of emergency info to NOONE. They both are so concerned about my smoking and my weight and that I am just in denial to both these things that are so bad for me. I guess the hell with my mental and emotional health. I guess I would quit smoking and lose weight if I became suicidal again and actually went through with it. That would certianly solve that problem.

My mother is obsessed with her weight and everyone else's as well. She thinks she is fat when she is not at all and she always points out obese people when you are with her. It is just so judgemental. I hate it. She also told me if she can lose weight and quit smoking then I certainly could. I have gained alot of weight since my own health has deteriated but I would not put myself in the 'gross obese' category yet and at my last doctors visit I had lost 17 pounds.

I told her at this point it is my way of committing suicide slowly. She said I was in denial cuz I see how my dad's health has gone down hill. I replied well really all I have right now to look forward to is food and my cigarettes. She said I have so much to look forward to. I asked her what? No answer. I said my children are adults now and niether want children now or in the near future. I have no partner and it is unlikely that I ever will now with all my health problems. I sacrificed those opportunies to raise my children.

According to her I need to work on all these issues a little bit at a time. I said I thought that is what I am doing. My priority is my mental and emotional health at this time. I was so frustrated with her. She then went on to tell me how she lost her weight. Her way is yuck to me. She then told me how she quit smoking and she did not think she became bitchy while doing it. I said good for her but right now I would probably lose it big time. Well then I am not the daughter she thought I was. What the Hell???

Well if that was not bad enough she then told me some disturbing things I did not know. I do not even know why she would tell them to me. First she still is in denial that all my health problems with my bladder while she was married to my evil step father was due to his abuse. So she was telling me that prior to that time I was such a good girl, always happy, played alone well and with others well. She never knew why I was Gram's favorite and everyone knew it. My sister resented it. Understandable.

Then she got off on a tangent about my sister. She was always different from me even as an infant. She would cry no matter what she told her to do fun thing or just nap time. She frustrated my mother to no end. I asked her if she knew why she was like that. She believes now she was and is bipolar and has a chemical imbalance in her brain. Then she tells me when my sister was around 3 she hit her in the head with a brush and knocked her unconcious and it scared my mom. She also told me my sister would make her so mad she would pull her hair on purpose to hurt her.

This triggered a memory of a family history story of my sister having a broken arm when she was barely 6 months old. The story is that the crib my sister was in broke and was falling apart with my sister in it so my mother grabed her by her arm to get her out of it before it collapsed on her. Now I am wondering if that is a cover up story.

I have not processed all this yet but I find it horrifying. My mother is worse than I ever could even imagined. I wonder what horrid things she did to me at that young of an age that I will never remember. This is too much and so awful. I am an adult person and I never ever did anything remotely like this to my children. I do not know where to put this info or what to do with it. I just want to cry or scream or something.

October 2015

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