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Laugh or Cry? Blessed or cursed?

Posted by bellachai , 08 April 2010 · 23 views

I just got back from the hospital and it looks as if my mother will not being going home today. Her left eye is so red I think if she cried her tears would be blood. Now her right eye is turning red. They do not know why with all the antibiotics she is getting in her IV so they do not want her to go home until she shows some improvement.

Her eye still hurts so they are giving her pain meds through her IV. Whatever drug it is she should have been taking while I was growing up. LOL She is happy, animated and very very chatty which she normally is not any of these things. I was with her for three hours. It reminds me of an old school rap song I think it was called 'shut up'. Anyway she has me kind of freaked out.

She told my sister called her last night and told her she was a good mother. My mother looked at me and said really I was not a good mother. What was I suppose to say? Yeah you weren't or lie. I instead said nothing. She said she has been thinking alot lately about my health especially my mental health and she asked if we needed to talk. I said well definetly not at the moment while she is ill as that seems somewhat inappropriate. She said it was okay and we should. So I said well how about if I just ask you a few questions. I asked her to tell me all the places we lived with the evil step father cuz I wanted to see if I had the sequence right and I felt I was missing some of them. So she did and I was right I am missing memories of some of the places we lived.

This is so out of character for my mother. She also asked me if I believed in an afterlife. This is something we have never discussed. She told me she did not know what the evil stepfather had done. She apologized several times for not knowing. She asked me if I had been lying to her about not remembering what he did to me sexually or was I just in denial. I told her I do remember some of it but there is some blank spots. This was a dark subject yet she was drugged so was somewhat euphoric. It was just so wierd like I had entered the twilight zone.

She in a way validated what horror I am surviving but she also was all drugged up. Is it a blessing or a curse to learn what she knows that I have forgotten? I want to laugh hysterically cuz it was funny watching her be so loopy but I want to cry as well for so many reasons cuz it is all so sad.

So onward I go. Blessings to everyone here



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missophelia
Apr 08 2010 04:35 PM
bellachai, my friend

I'm sure that what happened between you and your mother was unsettling in a way. I'm sorry that it had to happen while she was drugged and loopy. And I can see how it would leave you wondering whether what she said was a blessing or a curse.

I think being validated, hearing from your mother that what you know to be true is in fact true, and that she is not denying it, is something that will help you. If not immediately, then over time. I'm sure there is a lot from your conversation with her that you will have to work through. I know that if I was in your place I would be mixed up with my emotions.

I also think that now that your mother has filled in some of the missing memories of the places you've lived, it will give you just one more little bit of peace. It's got to be so hard for you, when you're working so hard on healing and you can't remember things. I'm glad for you that she gave you that.

If my mother told me she wasn't a good mother, and then also told me she didn't know about the abuse, I would need some time to think about what she said. And to figure out how I felt about it. Please, take that time, as much as you need.

Be gentle with yourself after this has happened. peace to you :hug: :hug: :hug:

bellachai, my friend

I'm sure that what happened between you and your mother was unsettling in a way. I'm sorry that it had to happen while she was drugged and loopy. And I can see how it would leave you wondering whether what she said was a blessing or a curse.

I think being validated, hearing from your mother that what you know to be true is in fact true, and that she is not denying it, is something that will help you. If not immediately, then over time. I'm sure there is a lot from your conversation with her that you will have to work through. I know that if I was in your place I would be mixed up with my emotions.

I also think that now that your mother has filled in some of the missing memories of the places you've lived, it will give you just one more little bit of peace. It's got to be so hard for you, when you're working so hard on healing and you can't remember things. I'm glad for you that she gave you that.

If my mother told me she wasn't a good mother, and then also told me she didn't know about the abuse, I would need some time to think about what she said. And to figure out how I felt about it. Please, take that time, as much as you need.

Be gentle with yourself after this has happened. peace to you :hug: :hug: :hug:



I do need time to process all that we talked about and I want don't want her to tell me any more right now cuz it was a little overwhelming. I am very mixed up right now emotionally yet I have to be strong to help them out cuz there is no one else to help them. I am trying to be good and take care of myself by taking a rest in the afternoons. I have mom in the mornings and dad in the evenings so not much is getting done at my house although my daughter did some house cleaning today. Fake Jake is going to some grocery shopping tomorrow so that will help. I need to get some laundry done as I am running out of clothes. LOL

I hope all is well with you my friend. I will now go and see if you posted today. Thank you more than you will ever know. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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silentwords
Apr 10 2010 11:14 PM
Wow, this is a pretty big thing! I am proud of you for having the courage and willpower to sit there and talk about stuff. Right now at least, I could never do that. I'm proud of you :D. Definitely do take your time in processing all that was said. It's a delicate subject, and deserves the time :) Hope you are well!

Wow, this is a pretty big thing! I am proud of you for having the courage and willpower to sit there and talk about stuff. Right now at least, I could never do that. I'm proud of you :D. Definitely do take your time in processing all that was said. It's a delicate subject, and deserves the time :) Hope you are well!


I really don't think it was courage more like frozen in horror. Some of it was like TMI for now. Too much too soon. So many lies and secrets too that it saddens me I think I am still in shock my her behavior and confessions. Thank you for caring and thinking I am brave.

I am still standing, I am still Moving and I am still doing. So that is good enough for now.

I hope you are well too. ^_^

:hug: :hug: :hug:

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