Laugh or Cry? Blessed or cursed?
Her eye still hurts so they are giving her pain meds through her IV. Whatever drug it is she should have been taking while I was growing up. LOL She is happy, animated and very very chatty which she normally is not any of these things. I was with her for three hours. It reminds me of an old school rap song I think it was called 'shut up'. Anyway she has me kind of freaked out.
She told my sister called her last night and told her she was a good mother. My mother looked at me and said really I was not a good mother. What was I suppose to say? Yeah you weren't or lie. I instead said nothing. She said she has been thinking alot lately about my health especially my mental health and she asked if we needed to talk. I said well definetly not at the moment while she is ill as that seems somewhat inappropriate. She said it was okay and we should. So I said well how about if I just ask you a few questions. I asked her to tell me all the places we lived with the evil step father cuz I wanted to see if I had the sequence right and I felt I was missing some of them. So she did and I was right I am missing memories of some of the places we lived.
This is so out of character for my mother. She also asked me if I believed in an afterlife. This is something we have never discussed. She told me she did not know what the evil stepfather had done. She apologized several times for not knowing. She asked me if I had been lying to her about not remembering what he did to me sexually or was I just in denial. I told her I do remember some of it but there is some blank spots. This was a dark subject yet she was drugged so was somewhat euphoric. It was just so wierd like I had entered the twilight zone.
She in a way validated what horror I am surviving but she also was all drugged up. Is it a blessing or a curse to learn what she knows that I have forgotten? I want to laugh hysterically cuz it was funny watching her be so loopy but I want to cry as well for so many reasons cuz it is all so sad.
So onward I go. Blessings to everyone here