Too Much Not Enough
Mom and I engaged some banter regarding my health as our doctor told her some things I had not. I wasn't happy my doctor told her about my own health yet she tells me stuff about my parents as mom hides some things too. She said I was keeping things from her and I replied not really, she has alot to deal with dad and now herself and I did not want them worrying about me too. I told it wasn't like I was going to drop dead tomorrow. She replied she certainly hoped not cuz she still needs me. How nice!!??!! Her use of words are often fruedian. It would have been better had she used the the words 'she still wants me around. Whatever I am glad at least I am needed which is better than worthless.
I am glad I had therapy today to help cope with this added stress and my depressions. Too many emotions and not enough healing. She helped me to see that all I am feeling is normal. My sewer of emotions has to flow out and get cleaned for me to heal. Some of these emotions are core emotions that I had stuffed way down there. She asked me what was I afraid of in letting them out. I am afraid they will be too much and too overwhelming and what if the rage I know is there becomes violent. She then asked me if I had ever been violent? No then we both laughed cuz I am such a pacifist so I will not go on any murdeous rage. I also said what if it sends me where I was a year ago, being suicidal. She feels that I have come too far for me to regress back that much.
Here are my questions for today. Why does emotional pain hurt so much more than physical pain and why does it take forever to heal?
Fake Jake brought me lunch home. Fake Jake and my daughter have left for the town I was in yesterday. I am glad they are gone. I am listening to music then after I answer my email I am going to take a nap.
Blessings to all