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A Wasted Day *T*

Posted by bellachai , 27 March 2010 · 71 views

I could not sleep last night even with the help of Lyrica (it helps me sleep with little pain). So I finished the last 200 pages of Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. It was good. I love book that are mysteries or Good vs Evil and good wins. Yep I like fairy tales where the abused live happily ever after. I also most of my life dreamed there was a Prince Charming out there somewhere who would wisk me away and love me in a healthy way for the rest of my life. Well reality is good does not always win, some wonderful abused people do not live happily ever after and Prince Charming is not coming for me.

The rest of the dark and rain dripping night I spent surfing the net. I got caught up on current events. Ugh!! The world if filled with child sexual abuse and pediphiles. What does it say about the world when the Catholic Church hides and protects abusers and they continue to abuse. The ongoing case of the Mohler Family is horrifing. An entire family of pediphiles including beastiality. Some are out on bail prior to their trial. Everything I have read states pediphiles cannot be rehabilitated. I do not understand why society hides and frees so they can just continue damaging children. My mind just cannot wrap itself around this.

I also read some stories and blogs here. So many wounds and pain. I wish I were healed enough to shelter all who have been abused and hold all of them tight and send the damage away. There are too many of us and it is not fair that the majority of those who did this damaging get away with it. My evil stepfather got away with and I feel guilty wondering how many more children he damaged after me and my sister. My mother knew he was a pediphile in the worst way and she chose not to prosecute. She should feel guilty but she does not.

I finally went to bed at 7am and slept til 3pm. A wasted day. I woke from a nightmare about my parents they were yelling and screaming at me for something i done that they highly disapproved of. I can remember the look on my mothers face, it was full of hatred and disdain. I awoke with a migraine which means I did not get enough oxygen while I slept. Then there was a letter from my lawyer who is handling my appeal for disability. I initially was turned down because stupid me I forgot that I did not get my social security card changed when I went back to my maiden name. So my doctors did not send the files as their records did not show a patient by my old married name. Anyway he has turned my case over to anther attorney, which happens to be his father due to an opportunity that he could not turn down. This upset me cuz I will have to get use to another attorney and how do I know his dad is a good attorney. But really upset me was that the envelope was addressed to me with my married name spelled incorrectly and the actual letter was addressed to another client with a totally different name. I burst into tears which is unlike me especially since I have been faithfully taking my antidepressant. I am changing Eddie Haskell's name to Fake Jake as it is more appropriate. My daughter and Fake Jake wondered why I slept so long as usually I am up early in the mornings way before them. When I burst into tears they did ask what was wrong and I told them about the letter. They said they were sorry and went into my daughters room. No hugs or kisses on my forehead. No offers to get me something to help me. No one hear to try to cheer me up or just listen to me or talk to me. I seems as if I am only loved when I am doing or being what they want me to do or be.

I just realized that strangers or people I pay to help me care about me more than my own damn family and even some of them cannot even address a letter correctly.

I feel like a failure with my daughter. I did not raise her to be insensitive. Nor did I raise her to fall in love with an abusive boy. I wonder where I went wrong. :confused:

At least my cats love me unconditionally.

I am crying again so I think I will just go back to bed and hope for some peace in better dreams. :bawling:

Thank you to all who actually read this long blog. Blessings to all.



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missophelia
Mar 27 2010 08:57 PM
bellachai

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I don't think you went wrong with raising your daughter. You aren't that kind of person. I think that, after a certain age, whatever your child does is on them. Your child needs to be held accountable for her actions, whether it is insensitivity or picking the wrong kind of guy.

But I know it hurts, and I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that at some point you can do or be who and what you are, and that you can be accepted.

If I had been there, I would listen all you needed me to, and try my best to cheer you up. At least, make you tea. And cookies if you like.

I'm sorry about your attorney and social security problems. I hope all of that can get straightened out for you.

I know how it is to have nightmares, and I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I also had a really bad one in the recent past, and woke up with a migraine. I understand how you feel.

I wish I could say more to be of help to you, and I wish peace for you with better dreams.

take gentle care, because you mean a lot to me, and you are so worth it.
Well I am crying again but in gratetude to your caring and beautiful words and I really could go for a cupa tea and cookies or anything chocolate right now. Instead I am listening to some music and collaging. Really I am going to bed in a couple of hours.

I hope you post in blog about the good time you had this evening.

Thank you again, missophelia and many blessings to you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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missophelia
Mar 27 2010 09:10 PM
Chocolate is wonderful, and I'm with you. I crave it when I'm down. And I think it could go wonderfully with tea. I'm glad to hear you're trying to get your mind on something else. I know how hard it must be for you right now.

I posted a blog about my night. And it was a good time.

You know, I do care about you, and I hope that things can go better for you. I'm thinking about you, and here to listen any time you need to talk.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

peace to you, my friend

Chocolate is wonderful, and I'm with you. I crave it when I'm down. And I think it could go wonderfully with tea. I'm glad to hear you're trying to get your mind on something else. I know how hard it must be for you right now.

I posted a blog about my night. And it was a good time.

You know, I do care about you, and I hope that things can go better for you. I'm thinking about you, and here to listen any time you need to talk.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

peace to you, my friend



Thank you missophelia. You are so sweet. :hug: :hug:

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