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Posted by bellachai , 20 March 2010 · 46 views

I know that I am an idealist but my brian functions analytically and linear. I have decided to use my blog in a separate way to tell my story in chapters then I can stop and start at will. Logical to me as the memories are poisoning me. I know from therapy that healing is in telling telling the story.

I will use this blog as my real everyday life things. Somehow this feels right.

My dad was sent home yesterday from the hospital. My mother now is sick herself. She has to wear a mask when around my dad. He is not allowed to have any visitors for the duration of his antibiotic intake which is two weeks. He will have a pulmonary therapist coming to their home to get his strength up. The hospital could not do any more for him that could not be done at home and he is more comfortable and happier in his own home. He will slowly waste away as his lungs continue to weaken from COPD. One would think that I would immediately quit smoking myself but alas I still like this crutch. This one deviant and comforting crutch. It releases endophines that help my depression along with my antidepressant like an extra boost. Mr. Cigarette is always there for me. How distructive am I?

I am disgusted with myself. Damn it. I just knew it and it pisses my off that I am not able to set appropriate boundries yet. My daughter told me last night that one of the jobs Eddie Haskell was hoping for in his home state did not pan out (if there ever was such a job) so he is going to look for a job in a larger town than mine that is only 50 miles away which means he will not be going back to his home state near his dad. Everyone wants me to kick him out except of course my daughter. She is being responsible and working and trying to work on her goals to move out with Eddie Haskell. I cannot bring myself to kicking him out and hurting my daughter. Maybe I can set smaller boundries like insisting he do something around the house instead of spending hours playing video games in her room or chattering endlessly with his lies to me that I no longer even listen to. This is bullshit and I know it and I do not know how to deal with it and I do not want to deal with it as I have my own pathetic self to deal with and my own snail slow goals to deal with. Oh well I will figure something out, some compromise. :beatsme:

Just venting :gaah:

Guess I will begin my story. Blessings to all who read my blogs

Mar 20 2010 01:46 PM
You're about as destructive as me. I worked in the health care field off and on, and saw the effects of smoking. You would think I'd quit? Hmmm.

I don't know what to tell you about Eddie. I'm not good at setting boundaries myself, especially with my mother, who is overbearing and always gets to me. Maybe something small, like having him do something around the house is the best way for you to start working on that.

As far as telling your story, any way you want to do it is absolutely fine. I used my blog to tell it, sort of in chapters. I wrote as much as I was comfortable with each time. That way, I didn't overwhelm myself, and it gave me room to breathe, and stop if I needed to.

Just take your time with your story, and do only what is comfortable. There's no right or wrong. Only what works for you.

Oh, and venting sometimes works. It can really help.

take gentle care
Dear missophelia,

Thank you for your caring reply. You take care of yourself and many blessings.

August 2015

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