Control/Opening the Floodgates
Anyway since I blogged about idealism the flood gates have opened in my brain with so many memories. None regarding sexual abuse. I do not remember most of the encounters and am afraid they will come. Most of these memories now are like oh yeah I remember that or oh yeah I wished I had forgotten that all together. I am amazed at how many there are and they are hitting pow, pow and pow.
When the actual abuse is happening I was powerless to stop it and those who should have protected me and stopped chose not to do so. I had no control over what was happening to me. Being told as child that this is all normal and everyone does it even though your mind or soul tells you if this is normal than I do not want to live here on this planet. Conflicting information too. It is normal but don't tell anyone or they will really hurt me and cause pain beyond belief. So you grow up trying to find control for yourself. You become what others want you to be and do what others want you to do to protect yourself from rejection, loss of being loved, critisizisms and any kind of abuse. You do not get angry cuz then that person will hate you and leave or harm you in some way. You do not cry in front of anyone cuz they will think you are weak and they will shun you or harm you in some way. So I made up a new person. The one who was always happy. The one who never showed any kind of negative emotion. I was the one who became the buffer and peace maker in all situation. In otherwords I controled my emotions by suppressing them, ignoring them and denying them. My false thinking and beliefs are that only bad people get angry. Yet I always allowed everyone else a gray area, the benefit of the doubt and second and third chances but not so with me. I view myself as either black or white, good or bad and there is no gray for me. I strived to be perfect in everyones eyes. I failed this and it broke me. It is tragic but it is also a blessing cuz perhaps through the process of healing I will set myself free to be who I truly am meant to be. That it is never too late to start again. To actually know what it is not to control my emotions as if I did not have any. Okay I said this and it is still frightening to me. Like you can see the light of this truth but you are afraid to reach for it cuz it may blind or burn you.
It has always been my belief that if I treat others the way I would like to be treated that that would happen for me. I always believed if I loved people as I desire to be loved that this would happen for me as well. Then I have spent the majority of my life baffled as to why this has not happened for me. Why do I keep attracting abusive people into my life and have difficulty getting rid of them. I feel resentful in this area. In my cinderella idealism I by all rights of my behavior deserve to live happily ever after and that is just not the happening thing. Then comes the old thinking that there really must be something awful about myself that for some unknown reason to me at least I am unlovable and I do not deserve to be treated well. It is all so confusing how my brain works and goes on and on and over and over things til I could drive myself crazy. This is what opening the floodgates feel like to me.
I am crying today and I am relieved that my daughter and Eddie Haskell are not here to see it. It is odd for me to cry. I don't even know why I am crying except for being hit with so many memories all at once and it is overwhelming. I don't if I am have a pity party for myself or am I grieving for the child I was or grieving how I feel I wasted my life on people who did not deserve me or why cry now.
I feel alone in this aloneness. I do need to be hugged while I cry and cleanse my soul. There is no one in my real life with the understanding or fortitude to handle holding me while I cry. I guess I must just go with this flow until it is empty. Thank my Higher Power that I have cats who love me whether I am crying or not.
Blessings to all