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Control/Opening the Floodgates

Posted by bellachai , 19 March 2010 · 44 views

I could not fall asleep last night and wrote the blog about my spirituality to seek comfort. It worked and after I blogged I found blessed sleep and peace for awhile. I forgot to write in the Enlightenment blog that I do believe in good and evil. I believe that sexual predators are evil and have no soul. Looking into their eyes shows no soul. It is creepy looking at pictures of known predators they all have similar eyes and there is no reflection of a soul.

Anyway since I blogged about idealism the flood gates have opened in my brain with so many memories. None regarding sexual abuse. I do not remember most of the encounters and am afraid they will come. Most of these memories now are like oh yeah I remember that or oh yeah I wished I had forgotten that all together. I am amazed at how many there are and they are hitting pow, pow and pow.

When the actual abuse is happening I was powerless to stop it and those who should have protected me and stopped chose not to do so. I had no control over what was happening to me. Being told as child that this is all normal and everyone does it even though your mind or soul tells you if this is normal than I do not want to live here on this planet. Conflicting information too. It is normal but don't tell anyone or they will really hurt me and cause pain beyond belief. So you grow up trying to find control for yourself. You become what others want you to be and do what others want you to do to protect yourself from rejection, loss of being loved, critisizisms and any kind of abuse. You do not get angry cuz then that person will hate you and leave or harm you in some way. You do not cry in front of anyone cuz they will think you are weak and they will shun you or harm you in some way. So I made up a new person. The one who was always happy. The one who never showed any kind of negative emotion. I was the one who became the buffer and peace maker in all situation. In otherwords I controled my emotions by suppressing them, ignoring them and denying them. My false thinking and beliefs are that only bad people get angry. Yet I always allowed everyone else a gray area, the benefit of the doubt and second and third chances but not so with me. I view myself as either black or white, good or bad and there is no gray for me. I strived to be perfect in everyones eyes. I failed this and it broke me. It is tragic but it is also a blessing cuz perhaps through the process of healing I will set myself free to be who I truly am meant to be. That it is never too late to start again. To actually know what it is not to control my emotions as if I did not have any. Okay I said this and it is still frightening to me. Like you can see the light of this truth but you are afraid to reach for it cuz it may blind or burn you.

It has always been my belief that if I treat others the way I would like to be treated that that would happen for me. I always believed if I loved people as I desire to be loved that this would happen for me as well. Then I have spent the majority of my life baffled as to why this has not happened for me. Why do I keep attracting abusive people into my life and have difficulty getting rid of them. I feel resentful in this area. In my cinderella idealism I by all rights of my behavior deserve to live happily ever after and that is just not the happening thing. Then comes the old thinking that there really must be something awful about myself that for some unknown reason to me at least I am unlovable and I do not deserve to be treated well. It is all so confusing how my brain works and goes on and on and over and over things til I could drive myself crazy. This is what opening the floodgates feel like to me.

I am crying today and I am relieved that my daughter and Eddie Haskell are not here to see it. It is odd for me to cry. I don't even know why I am crying except for being hit with so many memories all at once and it is overwhelming. I don't if I am have a pity party for myself or am I grieving for the child I was or grieving how I feel I wasted my life on people who did not deserve me or why cry now.

I feel alone in this aloneness. I do need to be hugged while I cry and cleanse my soul. There is no one in my real life with the understanding or fortitude to handle holding me while I cry. I guess I must just go with this flow until it is empty. Thank my Higher Power that I have cats who love me whether I am crying or not.

Blessings to all



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missophelia
Mar 19 2010 06:20 PM
Wow, I can so relate to what you've been through. I was always the one who showed the world happiness, when inside I was so hurt and sad. But, like you, I couldn't show my real emotions. If I showed anything less than happiness, there was something WRONG with me.

The idealism of treating others well and having that returned has been shattered for me as well. I know what you're saying about living happily ever after, only to feel unlovable because there must be something awful about myself, and not knowing why.

I am SO glad that the floodgates have opened for you, and that you are able to cry. I'm sure everything is overwhelming, but I think you are grieving, not throwing a pity party. You're grieving for the child you were, who never got what she deserved.

Bellachai, my friend, if I were with you right now I would hold you as close as you needed, and let you cry for as long as you want. Please let yourself feel, and cry, and grieve, and realize you are worth the healing you are doing. And any time you need to write, or talk, I'll be here, listening.

take gentle care
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missophelia
Mar 19 2010 06:20 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Wow. I can relate to this. It made me cry to read this. If it helps at all you are not alone here.
I can relate to this...I was, and still am, always the one who has to be happy. I am not allowed to have negative feeling.

I am glad the floodgates opened for you, and you were able to cry, and slept well.

I know the feeling of being alone, but you are not alone, you have us in spirit with you
I can relate to this. I so want to be hugged, comforted and cradled like a baby and loved, not scorned for crying.


virtual hug to you, Posted Image Bella.






Wow. I can relate to this. It made me cry to read this. If it helps at all you are not alone here.


Dear trooper,

What a strange feeling that someone would cry with me. I am stricken to being wordless as saying thank you seems cruel. And I would not wish my pain on anyone yet there are so many of us here. Yet I am glad there are people here and that too seems cruel cuz if you are here then your pain is equal to mine or worse. I think I will stay here at Pandys so I too can be here for others. Thank you trooper for your response. Blessings to you.

I can relate to this...I was, and still am, always the one who has to be happy. I am not allowed to have negative feeling.

I am glad the floodgates opened for you, and you were able to cry, and slept well.

I know the feeling of being alone, but you are not alone, you have us in spirit with you

Dear chelirach,

Thank you for your response. It seems to me that to have negative emotions and show them I will punished and it is bad. So have to put on the front at all times that all is well or at least it will be due to my presense. I am suppose to be the backbone of my family, the one with a sense of humor, the one who is positive and supportive therefore I am not allowed to have negative feelings. Is it this way for you? This may be just false thinking on my part but I do not feel safe in demonstrating any negative feelings to anyone in my life. It hurts to open flood gates but in some strange way it is a relief. I am blessed in way to not be alone and others understand and can relate but it breaks my heart that there are so many who have been betrayed in similar ways cuz it is not right to be damaged as we have been. Blessings to you chelirach.

I can relate to this. I so want to be hugged, comforted and cradled like a baby and loved, not scorned for crying.


virtual hug to you, Posted Image Bella.


Dear Zelda,

Thank you for your response and hug. It means alot to me. You know Zelda I follow your blogs and I have the impression that you probably and young enough to be my daughter so my protective radar kicks in. You have strengths I do not have yet that does not mean you need less. I want you to know I would gladly hold you tight cradling you in my arms and let your tears fall on me til there are no more. I would continue to hold you while you slept. No words just comfort. I do listen to you and hear what you say. I am sending you hugs and many blessings :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you for your response. It seems to me that to have negative emotions and show them I will punished and it is bad. So have to put on the front at all times that all is well or at least it will be due to my presense. I am suppose to be the backbone of my family, the one with a sense of humor, the one who is positive and supportive therefore I am not allowed to have negative feelings. Is it this way for you? This may be just false thinking on my part but I do not feel safe in demonstrating any negative feelings to anyone in my life. It hurts to open flood gates but in some strange way it is a relief. I am blessed in way to not be alone and others understand and can relate but it breaks my heart that there are so many who have been betrayed in similar ways cuz it is not right to be damaged as we have been. Blessings to you chelirach.


That is exactly how it is in my family, I am supposed to be "the stable one" It may be false thinking on my part as well, but it is how I am treated. I know if I seem to be in a bad mood I am chastised for it. But I think it does come from within a lot, rather then being external. Its complicated. But yes, I relate to what you are saying, and it does break my heart as well that there are so many of us, but it is also relief knowing I am not the only one.
Thank you chelirach,

I guess we validate each other here and that is not a bad thing. Blessings

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