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Idealism

Posted by bellachai , 18 March 2010 · 31 views

I watched that movie 'Avatar'. I so like the idea of that kind of civilization. People who are able to connect to others, animals and mother nature. It appeals to me. I have know for a long time that I am an idealist as real life has been so ughly to me. I like new ideas to pick apart. I fantasize of 'what if's' to escape the pain of living in an abusive world. I do not believe there is any excuse for abusing another human being. If there was an excuse there would not be so many secrets. The damage it does is horrendous beyond the comprehension to so many of those who have never experienced it.

My mother was not the one who sexually abused me as a child but she is equally responsible for it because she allowed it to happen. She stated to recently that she has seen programs and read articles that state most mothers do know their child/children are being sexually abused but do nothing to stop it. They go in denial, ignore it or just don't care or even some instances participate. She looked me in the eye and said she did not know. I made no comment to her as I did not even know what to say. I know somehow she did know. The facts say to me she had to at least suspect. Most of my flashes of memory now are related to her. I realize my mother will be my biggest trigger now.

:trigger:

My mother told me once within the last ten years anyway that she has forgiven herself for what happened to my sister and my at the hand of the evil stepfather. that statement made me angry and still does. She never asked for my forgiveness nor my sister's. So i guess good for her. My mother saw all the other abuse and did not step in to stop it. I was beaten with a belt almost everyday. Skinny belt if I was really naughty wider belt if ordinary naughty. She allowed us to take baths with evilstepfather clear up to the age of 9 at least. She allowed him to thump us on the forehead frequently. She allowed him to dictate our eating structure. All the drapes closed so we cannot see anything while we eat. We were not allowed to speak. We had to take a bite of each item on our plate before we could take a drink and if there was something on our plate we did not like we got twice as much. She would watch him cut our fingernails down to the quick and use a tool to push our cuticles back until they bled. AND so much more kinds of mini tortures.

My mother once made the mistake of telling me once that the evil stepfather had sex with her maybe once a month after they were married. You know my mother was not a stupid woman. She was educated and very intelligent. She was a registered nurse and back when she was in training they went to nurses training for 4 years and did tours in all wards. She did a tour in the psych ward and dealt with sociopaths. It was my mother who took me to the hospital 2 to 3 times a year with severe bladder infections. I remember once it was so bad that my entire gentital area was crusted over and I could not urinate. I was screaming in physical pain. The 60's child rape was very taboo and hospital personal were not required to report any abuse back then. I had 7 surgeries on my bladder in those years I was being abused. What 5,6,7,8,and 9 year old has that many severe infections to require surgeries to get rid of the infections. The multiple cathoder (sp!) given to me was painful and I would have to have the entire time I was in the hospital. They never found anything wrong with my bladder or kidneys that would explain the frequent infections. One surgery the incision got infected so I had to be taken back to the hospital and a drainage tube was inserted in the incision. I was 7 and I remember it well. I have an indentation in that scar where that tube was. that scar is a reminer to me of the damage caused by the evil stepfather. It healed but not well. My mother to this day denies these infections were caused by the evil stepfather. Oh but how funny then that when we moved out of state I got no more of those infections and I stopped wetting the bed. Go figure. My mother did not know? She is only fooling herself.

Okay I have to stop this blog for now. blessings to all



bellachai,

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of that awful, unfair, and horrifying abuse. My heart goes out to you :hug: :hug: :hug: if okay?

Take care,
You're in my thoughts
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missophelia
Mar 18 2010 05:54 PM
bellachai

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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missophelia
Mar 18 2010 05:55 PM
bellachai

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I am so sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve it. You were a young child, and you should have been protected. Shame on your mother.

take gentle care, ok?
Dani,

Thank you for the reply and caring. I have never spoken of these things especially the hospital. After I wrote this I had to go lay down. It was emotionally draining I think. Somehow a relief to purge it out. Hugs are great and I am sending you some back. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Be sure to take care of yourself. Many blessings to you. :butterfly:

bellachai

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I am so sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve it. You were a young child, and you should have been protected. Shame on your mother.

take gentle care, ok?


Hello my friend missophelia,

I haven't read blogs yet today but I hope you are alright today. Thank you for replying and kind caring thoughts. Yes the shame is on my mother and I just got of the phone with her. I think she is narcisistic. Man, I wish I could spell better. Maybe selfabsorbed is a better word anyway. Why confront her now she is 73 years old? Well anyway thank you and hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: and blessings :butterfly:
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missophelia
Mar 18 2010 06:26 PM
My double post is because my computer went whacko for a few minutes!

I can relate about self absorbed. That's exactly how I've described my father. He is that, and much more.

I don't know about the age thing. It's hard to tell if you can ever change someone of that age. I'd say probably not, but, you never know.

Thanks for the hugs and blessings. All the same for you.
I can relate too. It is interesting, I was talking to my therapist the other day about this, and her comment was "your mother is sacrificing you because it is less painful then admitting her failure"

I am sorry for everything you went through, and for your mothers denial.

I can relate too. It is interesting, I was talking to my therapist the other day about this, and her comment was "your mother is sacrificing you because it is less painful then admitting her failure"

I am sorry for everything you went through, and for your mothers denial.


Thank you chelirach for replying.

In the case of my mother I think it is she comes first period. She is perfection and no one meets her standards. I suppose this is cover for her own insecurities. If she poses in life as perfect then she is perfect and it could not have ever been any fault of her own. With her it is the her way or the highway.

Blessings
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stealing_wonderland
Mar 19 2010 12:30 AM
Bellachai,

It was so brave of you to post those thoughts and talk about the horrible abuse you suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to take care of you. I'm so sorry you endured so much as a child, but hope you are able to see what a brave and inspiring survivor you really are. Your mum and step-father couldn't break you -- I think that's the message you should carry in your heart.

Bellachai,

It was so brave of you to post those thoughts and talk about the horrible abuse you suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to take care of you. I'm so sorry you endured so much as a child, but hope you are able to see what a brave and inspiring survivor you really are. Your mum and step-father couldn't break you -- I think that's the message you should carry in your heart.


Thank you for your response stealing wonderland. I did break but not until a year and half ago as an adult and after I raised my own children. I think cuz I lived a lie for so long and kept the secrets for so long. I do not know why it took my so long to break. Maybe it safer now then anytime sooner. You know it saddens me to see how many survivors there are yet some are so young and in a way I am happy they are here so young cuz they will heal sooner than I did therefore have a longer life of being whole as a healed survivor than I did. I appreciate your thoughts and I do follow your blog as well. Blessings to you

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