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We talked in therapy today about my family dynamics with my dad in the hospital and his slowly wasting away. We agreed that my mother is a trigger for me yet she is in my life and I need to learn coping skills to deal with her especially after my dad is gone because he will not be a 'buffer' for me. I spoke of my sister today. We are not close. She is an alcoholic and very damaged. She loved the evil step father. I did not even from the beginning. She is a year younger than I. The evil step father did not abuse her until I was out of the picture. My abuse began at 4. My sister was a loved object and I was the hated object. Why my mother allowed my sister to visit the evil stepfather after we left to another state I cannot fanthom. Her last visit was when she was 11. When she returned I caught her tearing up letters and pictures that were of and from the evil stepfather. I asked her why she was doing that. She told me what he had done to her that last visit. She loved him and he betrayed her in the worst way. I then told my mother. The police and the evil stepfather's place of work were notified but nothing was done. He got away with it. My mother refused to prosecute. She stated that my sister was not strong enough to testify. But I was and willing, She still chose not to do anything, Neither of us was taken to therapy either. I believe now that my mother chose to keep it all a big secret. My sister was never the same after that. She became a troubled child. She ran around, was promiscuous, drank, stole things, snuck out of the house all the time doing God knows what and she was very secretive and cold. Hugging her is like hugging an ironing board. I felt bad and still do for her just because she loved the evil stepfather and he never abused her until I was out of the picture. Her betrayal was greater than mine and my abuse was greater than hers. There is much emotions in this particular event for me. Guilt, love for my sister, resentment towards my sister, hatred for the evil stepfather and rage at my mother and total disgust for all of it.
Eddie Haskell (my daughters boyfriend) will be arriving today. She is excited and I am disappointed as he was not planned to come for a visit until Friday. I am so afraid he will come and not go back. They assure me that he will have to return to take the employment test for the high paying job he wants there. Eddie Haskell pathologically lies so I do not trust anything that comes out of his mouth. Anyway it is what it is.
I just feel kinda numb today and ambiguous about everything. Learning to set and keep boundries is so difficult for me. Blessings