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Too many thoughts

Posted by bellachai , 16 March 2010 · 31 views

My dad being in the hospital is triggering my anger towards my mother. It was just this year in therapy that it dawned on me like a sledge hammer that my mother was not a good mother. Many of my flashes of memory now are of her abusive ways. Very odd that I spent so many years believing she was my hero and friend in addition to being a good mother. Oh how we deceive ourselves. I have such rage inside of me but not towards her but towards myself for being so blind and stupid.

It has just been the last couple of sessions in therapy that I have discussed my mother. It is difficult to remember memories of her not being a good mother. It is maddening to realize I have lived a false life, a lie if you will. All my false beliefs and trying to live that life of perfection, sacrificing who I truly am (which at this point I do not know who I really am). It feels like I wasted my life. I call it soul damage. My soul could not take my living a lie any longer therefore it manafested mental and physical agony to get my attention that my life and the way I was living it was not working therefore my breakdown.

I was always open about stating I am a survivor of childhood abuse but very secretive about any of the details plus some of the details I have found out painfully I suppressed. Not that mattered much as I find that most people do not want to know the details. It is beyond some peoples imagination what happens to people who have been abused in any form. It is taboo and secretive. The people who want the details are the abusers of the world cuz it gets them off. There are very few places that it is safe to regurgitate the details. Telling and remembering the details to yourself is useless. Here at Pandys is a safe place but it is done in anonmously. There are no real names or places and we are unable to see the pain and emotions of each others pain and healing. There is noone to safely hold me while I state the details of my disappointing life and all the abuse I have endured and continued to put up with throughout my life cuz I knew nothing different or better. My family does not want to hear the details. My therapist is not allowed to hold me. They have to maintain objectivity. I am too introverted to burden friends to hold me and just listen so I can get rid of the poisen in my soul. It is as if the abused people of the world are stuck between a rock and a hard place and spinning crazily in place to get out of the dark place.

I am sorry for all of you here as I sense that you know what I am talking about and I wish for your healing as I wish for mine. I want to be helpful to you all as I desire to be helped.

See I managed not to vent or state my anger about my mother. Perhaps next blog I will. Blessings to all.



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missophelia
Mar 16 2010 01:36 PM
Please try not to beat yourself up for believing she was a good mother. And I don't think you're stupid.

:hug: :hug:

Maybe you suppressed all of the memories because at the time you couldn't handle them. Therapy may be partly why you're starting to remember. Maybe you're at a point where you can handle all of the memories and the pain, even though it is so very hard. Remembering can be painful, and I'm sorry you have that pain.

I know how it is to not have anyone in your RL who can be there for you. Someone who can hold you and listen to what you have to say. You're not alone there. I have the same problem, and I know it hurts. I'm sorry you have to go through that.

When you're ready to vent, and write about your mother, I'll be listening. But only when you're ready.

I just want you to know you are helpful, and I'm glad you're here. Take gentle care of you
:hug: Oh missophelia I am so glad you are here as well. Thank you for your reply and so much kindness. I cannot imagine why anyone would hurt a kind soul like you but we know this what predators look for. Anyway I am glad to have found you as a friend. Bless you!! :hug: :hug: :hug:
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stealing_wonderland
Mar 16 2010 03:29 PM
It is one of the most "soul damaging" realisations when a perceived notion about a relationship is suddenly clouded over with the reality. I could have written the first sentence of your post myself, and was actually surprised at how frequently my mum came up during sessions because I always thought we had a good relationship.

I know how difficult it is to allow anyone "in" and not fight their compassion, but maybe you can take small steps towards creating some space that allows people to hold and listen to you ? Perhaps you can try group-therapy...? My therapist suggested group and said having a support-system in real-life is a necessary part of healing -- of being heard and witnessed -- but I haven't been able to accept that as I'm far too shy to be around so many people...but, even if it makes a hypocrite to say so, I do think she has a point about the support-system. Posted Image

Either way, I hope you'll feel your way through this maze of un-certainty and rage and know you'll come out of it feeling stronger and supported and will have a lot of people listening and 'holding' you when you're ready to discuss whatever it is you need to discuss. Take care of yourself.
I relate to so much of what you have written. That sense of realization that a parent is abusive for sure, or at least not the wonderful parent you thought they were. And being secretive about details to real life people. I do think a support system is important, this is something I am slowly trying to develop, although I am more retreating from it at the moment.

Take care of yourself
Dear stealing wonderland and chelirach,

Thank you for your replies. I have therapy in an hour but wanted to let you know I appreciate your responses as it lets me know I am not alone in my thoughts or experience regarding a parent. It helps to realize I am not a freak for feeling rage against parents who was suppose to protect me and did not, one because he had no idea and one who chose not to for her own selfish reasons.

My therapist would like to see me in a support group but unfortunately I live in a small town and although there is plenty of abused persons here a support group is difficult to gather. Perhaps as I heal and opportunities arise from all this I could start one myself somehow. I too am introverted and wonder if this is due to an abusive background?????

Thank you stealing wonderland, take care of yourself and blessings to you.

Thank you chelirach, take care of yourself and blessings to you.

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