Pandora's Aquarium: Too many thoughts - Pandora's Aquarium

My dad being in the hospital is triggering my anger towards my mother. It was just this year in therapy that it dawned on me like a sledge hammer that my mother was not a good mother. Many of my flashes of memory now are of her abusive ways. Very odd that I spent so many years believing she was my hero and friend in addition to being a good mother. Oh how we deceive ourselves. I have such rage inside of me but not towards her but towards myself for being so blind and stupid.

It has just been the last couple of sessions in therapy that I have discussed my mother. It is difficult to remember memories of her not being a good mother. It is maddening to realize I have lived a false life, a lie if you will. All my false beliefs and trying to live that life of perfection, sacrificing who I truly am (which at this point I do not know who I really am). It feels like I wasted my life. I call it soul damage. My soul could not take my living a lie any longer therefore it manafested mental and physical agony to get my attention that my life and the way I was living it was not working therefore my breakdown.

I was always open about stating I am a survivor of childhood abuse but very secretive about any of the details plus some of the details I have found out painfully I suppressed. Not that mattered much as I find that most people do not want to know the details. It is beyond some peoples imagination what happens to people who have been abused in any form. It is taboo and secretive. The people who want the details are the abusers of the world cuz it gets them off. There are very few places that it is safe to regurgitate the details. Telling and remembering the details to yourself is useless. Here at Pandys is a safe place but it is done in anonmously. There are no real names or places and we are unable to see the pain and emotions of each others pain and healing. There is noone to safely hold me while I state the details of my disappointing life and all the abuse I have endured and continued to put up with throughout my life cuz I knew nothing different or better. My family does not want to hear the details. My therapist is not allowed to hold me. They have to maintain objectivity. I am too introverted to burden friends to hold me and just listen so I can get rid of the poisen in my soul. It is as if the abused people of the world are stuck between a rock and a hard place and spinning crazily in place to get out of the dark place.

I am sorry for all of you here as I sense that you know what I am talking about and I wish for your healing as I wish for mine. I want to be helpful to you all as I desire to be helped.

See I managed not to vent or state my anger about my mother. Perhaps next blog I will. Blessings to all.