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Some History

Posted by bellachai , 15 March 2010 · 73 views

My mom called yesterday to let me know my dad is in the hospital. The knowledge he is slowly wasting away and won't be among the living for not too much longer causes me to think of his life and I may never have the nerve to ask him one question which is why did he marry my mom a second time?

My mother met my dad when she was 15 and he 18. That would be around 1951 He was about to enter the Navy. His father farmed my mother's mother's land. Both my grandmothers became friends. I loved both my grandmothers very much but they were as different as night and day so their friendship was odd. Anyway my mother and her mother were visitors at my dad's family homestead a couple of times a year and usually stayed a week or more.

When my dad got out of the Navy my mother was in nurses training. I do not know how they hooked up then but mom became pregnant with me. They were married in a double ceremony at neighboring farm with dad's brother in 1958. I was born 7 months later. My father's dad did not believe I was really my dad's daughter so he paid very little attention to me growing up. He preferred my sister who was born 13 months after I was.

The earliest memory I have was when I was 4. For many years I believed this memory was just a reoccuring nightmare. My dad was holding me in his arms. He is crying and I am crying and scared. My mother is screaming and trying to take me from my father. I remember being in between a living room and a kitchen and the kitchen floor seemed not to have a floor just dirt. This is one little memory of the floor is what validated my dream to a memory as my mother told me when I became an adult that the house my mom and dad lived in was a farm and my dad was raising pigs and the kitchen floor was indeed dirt as dad was preparing it for cement and then a permament floor. My mother confessed that this memory was when she left my dad for the evil stepfather. My sister was already in the car and our stuff was packed in the car and mom was trying to get out of dad's arms so she could leave him. My mom left my dad for a man that had been in the Navy with dad. Talk about betrayal.

My living Hell began at this point. I cannot write about it yet so will skip to where my brain is today.

When I was 17 my dad was going through a divorce with his second wife and brought my sister to my mother and I as she was living with him and he did not want her to be there with him while he dealt with the mess of his divorce. We lived in a different state. My sister and I woke the next morning after their arrival to find them in bed together. They had been divorced from each other nearly 14 years and had not spoken or seen each other in at least 8 years. Mom rarely talked about dad to us. We visited him in summers which he paid for. As far as I know dad did not pay any child support but bought us clothes and stuff when we visited. Anyway to say the least this was a beyond comprehension.

Skipping alot in my 17th year but they remarried a year later as soon as dad's divorce was final which means we then moved back to my birth state. This time around they have been married since 1979. It sounds so romantic and the benefit to me was I was able to get to know my dad better and spend more time with him since he remarried my mom. Yet I harbor resentment and anger about it.

I do not understand why my dad would marry a woman who took off with his daughters to be with a pediphile and it went on for 7 years. No he had no way of knowing it was going on while it was happening but he did know about when he remarried her. I have been very close with mother and until last year in therapy the realization came to me she was not my hero as I thought for taking me away from the evil stepfather and she herself is abusive emotionally and verbally. The current flashes of memory I am experiencing are more of her abusiveness than those of the evil stepfather. Not that my dad is an angel himself. He is a recovering alcohlic and he has been dry since the mid 80's so he was drunk most of my childhood and while we visited him in the summers. My dad is weak in some ways emotionally distant in other ways. He is quiet, reserved but with a good sense of humor. Many say I am most like him even though he did not raise me as a child.

My daughter just got home from picking up some of my meds yahoo!!!!! So will continue later. Blessings to all.



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missophelia
Mar 15 2010 04:47 PM
I'm sorry about your dad.

I'm also sorry you might not be able to ask him that question. Maybe he remarried her because he wanted to be closer to you, instead of only seeing you when you came to stay with him and your sister. Maybe he still had feelings for your mom.

I think it's hard to understand why people do some things. I'm sorry you're struggling with the need to know. I hope you can find some answers to help you as you heal.

I am glad to hear you got some of your meds.

take gentle care
Perhaps there is no answer for me on this question. Perhap my dad truly loves my mother and sees in her something I cannot. My perception of love is that it can be very blind and without reasons. When you love someone you overlook and put up so much. Thank you for your reply and kindness. Many blessings to you missophelia.
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stealing_wonderland
Mar 16 2010 07:33 PM
Admittedly, I didn't read all the way through this post. In fact, I only got to the second sentence before stopping, but wanted to let you know I watched my father "waste away" for five years, so I relate to how you must be feeling. I'm not sure where your post went from there (still have a hard time dealing with all that came with his illness and eventual death, I suppose, so I very selfishly didn't want to read further and get upset before therapy. Heh), but I'm sorry you're watching a family member die right in front of you. It is one of the most difficult issues we face as children of our parents, I think. No matter how good or bad or complicated our relationships may have been. Lots of safe hugs to you.
Thank you stealing wonderland. I am sorry for your loss. I send many safe hugs back to you and hope therapy went well for you not an easy thing is it? Take good care of yourself. Blessings

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