We spoke of the flashes of memories I have been having. She told me that I need to remind myself that 'memories = healing'. I like that saying as it has a good side to remembering and working through my issues therefore not so scary. She put another saying on the board while I was there. 'Our pain becomes our passion'. I like that saying as well as I feel as if down the road I would like to find a purpose in a way that will help those who have had experiences like mine or experienced abuse. How many of us are their in pain that keep the secret to their dying day? Would I be able to help some free themselves from this burden. I would like to try.
Then she asked me why am I so afraid to reclaim memories? In our discussion I was able to identify two reasons. One is being afraid to find out how much my mother really knew and how much she condoned. The second is I beginning to feel anger. I was taught I was never to get angry so when I do become angry then I feel like a bad person, guilty and ashamed and the emotions of it all become so much that I will cry in frustration and none of what I say makes any sense and i am viewed as hysterical or whatever so the anger is bad because it does not solve anything. I am afraid of suppressed anger that may come out in my healing.
My therapist pointed out to me that in my sessions I have no problem stating I have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused but I have never in the last year been specific in the sexual abuse and wanted to know if I remember any of it. Wow I am an expert and diverting conversations I do not want to talk about in detail or memories I do not want to go to. So I told her about one and I also told about being date raped when I was 16 and how that experience reinforced my belief that there was something wrong with me for so many to abuse me. I all I wanted was to be loved in healthy ways not these perverted way and why could not that happen for me?
I think this session was a big breakthrough for me. I remember that taking big steps forward may mean tomorrow or later I may take a step back and sometimes you have to go back to move forward.