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just being me

Posted by bellachai , 06 March 2010 · 52 views

Having a blog is a new experience for me. I joined this community in the hopes of connecting to people who could relate to my life to learn, grow and heal from my childhood abuse experiences and how it has impacted my life thus far.

I have spent the last few days exploring this site and reading alot of information. It is so heartbreaking that there are so many of us. Abuse is the ultimate betrayal IMO. How can there be so much evil in this world? I am not ready yet to tell my abuse story yet. I have made a few posts and am still a little overwhelmed by how this all works. I will figure it out eventually. It is not like me to join an online community so I admit it is somewhat intimidated.

I had a disturbing experience yesterday. An aquaintance recommended a man to put in new clutch in my 4runner. This man is a mechanic who is currently out of work so I had it done far less expensive than a shop would charge so Yahoo!!! a little of my independence has been returned to me. The man told me he remembers me from 12 years ago when he asked me out and I said no due to the unstableness of one his brothers. When he said this I too remembered the encounter. He wanted to know if I would now be interested in going out with him. My first reaction which I suppressed was to laugh wondering what was wrong with this guy. He said I am still cute. Oh yeah I feel real cute too. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with me. I had a breakdown a year and half ago. I am in therapy. My mental health has affected my physical health. I am not in good shape currently. I have much baggage. This confuses me as in my mind I see myself as unhealthy, unattractive and a big blob of nothing. Then my thought ran to he must recognize weaknesses and is abusive himself. It saddens me as I do want to be loved and liked. I have not dated in 6 years. It is all too scary. I evaded answering him as I was hit with so many emotions I was speachless. Has anyone felt like this and went on to have healthy relationships? I wonder how this would be possible.


Mar 06 2010 03:08 PM
Yes, I think it's possible to have a healthy relationship.

I've always seen myself differently than others see me. I've always put myself down much more than anyone else has, and I've wondered why anyone would want to spend time with me. I understand how hard it is to find the good in you, but with time you'll be able to.

Maybe he sees something in you that he likes. Just because he shows interest doesn't mean he's abusive. Sometimes it takes a lot to trust others, and to be able to let them into your life.

You say it's been six years since you dated. It's a huge step to take, but I think that when you're ready you'll know. This guy might be the one you want a relationship with, he might not. Just don't rush yourself, wait until you're comfortable. Take your time. And try to be good to yourself. You deserve it.

take gentle care

Thank you for your reply. Your advice is wise. Although this man is from an abusive family himself it is me I do not trust as I have made some really poor decisions and have been burned bad more times than I care to remember. I have always felt there was something wrong with me and attract parasitic human beings. I think I need to trust myself first before venturing into any kind of intimate relationship. I am a ways from that yet. :shy:
I guess you have a healthy amount of skepticism, realizing the dynamics of your situation A. whether you are ready to embark on something of that nature, regardless of his intentions B. It is tempting given the attention and hope for something more and true to come of it. I think your writing this you revealed what the decision should be.

Hi Zelda,

It helps to write as a way to clarify. Yes it is tempting to contempulate the possibility of finding true love; something new, different and better than I am living right now. It hurts to realize that I am not ready to bring someone new into my personal hell. It certainly would not be fair to them.

BTW and I hope this does not offend you in anyway. My oldest and beloved ferret is named Zelda. She is sweet, busy, curious and happy all the time. :)
Ha, no, it's great to have something in common with a ferret !

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