just being me
I have spent the last few days exploring this site and reading alot of information. It is so heartbreaking that there are so many of us. Abuse is the ultimate betrayal IMO. How can there be so much evil in this world? I am not ready yet to tell my abuse story yet. I have made a few posts and am still a little overwhelmed by how this all works. I will figure it out eventually. It is not like me to join an online community so I admit it is somewhat intimidated.
I had a disturbing experience yesterday. An aquaintance recommended a man to put in new clutch in my 4runner. This man is a mechanic who is currently out of work so I had it done far less expensive than a shop would charge so Yahoo!!! a little of my independence has been returned to me. The man told me he remembers me from 12 years ago when he asked me out and I said no due to the unstableness of one his brothers. When he said this I too remembered the encounter. He wanted to know if I would now be interested in going out with him. My first reaction which I suppressed was to laugh wondering what was wrong with this guy. He said I am still cute. Oh yeah I feel real cute too. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with me. I had a breakdown a year and half ago. I am in therapy. My mental health has affected my physical health. I am not in good shape currently. I have much baggage. This confuses me as in my mind I see myself as unhealthy, unattractive and a big blob of nothing. Then my thought ran to he must recognize weaknesses and is abusive himself. It saddens me as I do want to be loved and liked. I have not dated in 6 years. It is all too scary. I evaded answering him as I was hit with so many emotions I was speachless. Has anyone felt like this and went on to have healthy relationships? I wonder how this would be possible.