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Numb

Posted by bellachai , 10 April 2010 · 60 views

I had a dream. I was in a glider plane but as a child. The Plane was flying low to the ground of sandy beaches and water looking to see if there are any good places to find agates. There were sandy like caves and the plane went in one throwing the child me out. I said uhoh as the sand from the ceiling came down on me. I thought in the dream to remain...


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And P.S. I Love you

Posted by bellachai , 09 April 2010 · 69 views

My mother got to go home tonight from the hospital so I did not get much rest.

My daughter drove my 4runner out to their place and waited for me to drive mom home in her care. I am patiently waiting for her to get everything together and get dressed to leave and she takes this opportunity to further her wierdness since being in the hospital.

She just w...


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It feels like Toxicity 'T'

Posted by bellachai , 09 April 2010 · 49 views

I just got back from the hospital. My mother probably won't get to go home until tomorrow. Her eye looks a little better but she had to ask for some pain meds so once again she was kind of loopy. She called me this morning early to ask me to bring her a chocolate milkshake for breakfast. Whatever. I brought it. I wonder if she will remember some...


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Laugh or Cry? Blessed or cursed?

Posted by bellachai , 08 April 2010 · 71 views

I just got back from the hospital and it looks as if my mother will not being going home today. Her left eye is so red I think if she cried her tears would be blood. Now her right eye is turning red. They do not know why with all the antibiotics she is getting in her IV so they do not want her to go home until she shows some improvement.

Her eye still...


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Too Much Not Enough

Posted by bellachai , 07 April 2010 · 75 views

I visited my mother in the hospital this morning prior to seeing my T. I took her the things she asked for from home. Our doctor was just leaving when I arrived. The lab people were there putting in another IV line in her other arm because the line they had in was turning red up her arm. Mom did not have a good night and only slept for an hour or so c...


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OkieDokie Then - What a Day

Posted by bellachai , 06 April 2010 · 61 views

I had a meeting this morning in a town 50 miles away. I rarely go that far but was looking forward to the drive by myself. The drive there was pleasant with my radio on loud and seeing things just starting to turn green. Nice.

I was in my meeting when my cell phone which I had thought I put on vibrate went off. It was my mother and she was in tears c...


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Blahhhhhhhhhh!

Posted by bellachai , 05 April 2010 · 70 views

Yes I still am on empty.

I am not thinking properly and this caused me to hurt a friend and I am so sorry for my stupidity. So I am not liking myself right now.

I forced myself to go to peer counseling. I did not want to go but I did anyway. The purpose to my having a peer counselor is to make sure I do not hibernate in my home. To get me out of my...


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Depression is great isn't it?

Posted by bellachai , 04 April 2010 · 94 views

I am empty of emotions today. Total apathy. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What do I feel now? I have no answers to these questions. I care but I do not care. Does that make any sense?

I don't want to stay awake today but I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to clean my dirty house and I want the house clean and quiet...


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A Day of Gifts and Blessings

Posted by bellachai , 02 April 2010 · 60 views

I truly was blessed today and I am so grateful. It has been a very long time since I had a really good day filled with gifts.

Some time ago I lost my diamond ring. The diamond is one of eight my Gram willed to me. She had this dinner ring that had eight diamonds in it. It was large and kind of guady but she really wanted a dinner rings and some diamo...


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Pondering

Posted by bellachai , 01 April 2010 · 67 views

I saw my T yesterday and was able to tell her about posting my fifth chapter and gave her the details. Was difficult and the rest of the session was intense and went quickly.

She told me I 'think' alot. I found that statement strange and was baffled so I did not ask her to clarify. Was that a compliment or did she mean people think less than I...






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