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Posted by Zelda , 07 July 2014 · 112 views

I am feeling so sad, like I have never felt before. An infinite bottomless pit of pure sadness, I can't explain.
At the same time a deep compassion for myself.
I want to cry and never stop.
I don't know where all this came from, it seems like something that is being excavated rather than a new
feeling that has cro...



Posted by Zelda , 29 June 2014 · 148 views

 I am rather dumbstruck but also feel rather dumb. 
Learned helplessness is  a simple concept and I have been well aware of it for quite some time.
Then I had an ephiphany.
Me - in a big way.   As the freed elephant that still think she is chained and  doesn't move, so has my life been stuck.  And it does...


Blue jasmine

Posted by Zelda , 24 June 2014 · 172 views

A movie written and directed by woody Allen, accused child molester, about a woman who is well, pretty disturbed. Can't help but draw parallels as it would not be a stretch to imagine that this woman is displaying symptoms of trauma stemming from child sexual abuse. The reviews don't see it that way and even if it is just a dig at Mia farrow...still it ma...


Hiding from and kidding myself

Posted by Zelda , 24 June 2014 · 160 views

While I think most people are delusional to the extent they are conscious for what they can bare. And the rest is supressed or twisted into some other reality. We all do it, right, I mean everyone makes up stories to comfort I think. But to the extent I have been hiding out from others and myself has made things difficult until it has now come to a head....


how to love someone who doesn't know how to be loved-copy and pasted from elephant journal

Posted by Zelda , 16 June 2014 · 195 views

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”
Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.
She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.
Some might see her...


good fences/defences/there is a fortress around me all the time

Posted by Zelda , 04 June 2014 · 167 views

I got a note left at my door from my upstairs condo neighbor. a hand written note on specially bought very nice note card stationary. Papyrus - my favorite.
There had been a spat  and  in the note he  apologized to me and hoped we can be amicable neighbors. I saw him after I got the card - was a bit off guard and just thanked him and left r...


mostly scattered

Posted by Zelda , 10 May 2014 · 105 views

Speaking of stops and starts, checks in/out  ala  psychotic breaks/depersonalization. 
(I realize I make light of this but I don't mean to, and really it's a defense. I know that it is serious but when I finally had to courage to ask my psychiatrist about it after more than 15 years, I realize that depersonalization  is...



Posted by Zelda , 07 May 2014 · 139 views

I spoke with my former psychiatrist last night and  I told him  the nutty idea about going to psychedelic clinic in a third world country- the one mostly for herion addicts - of which I am not.
I had the courage after so many years to ask him about - depersonalization.
Somehow it felt less dangerous to ask now that...



Posted by Zelda , 05 May 2014 · 142 views

I am just going to say this really fast and may not really give it proper wording or thought but it has been running through my head to do this and I am on the fence - and since I really do not have anyone in my life to confide it ...the usual blah blah blah.   And the usual blah blah blah is why I am considering this. I am at the end of my...


Self harm while sleeping

Posted by Zelda , 14 May 2013 · 63 views

I woke up the morning with several pretty major scratches in my arm. I had seen a new psychiatrist the previous evening.This has never happened to me before and has happened again this morning to other arm but to a lesser extent.I have no memory of doing it or any disturbing dreams.



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