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You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Posted by mockingbird , 18 April 2010 · 155 views

Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe I'm making it all up. That's what I always say to myself, and maybe it's true? Any way you look at it it's confusing as hell. I hurt and I'm confused and I'm so alone. Well, that's not true exactly, I feel alone... but I'm kind of not anymore. I have my T but when you can only talk to the only person you have in the world for an hour a week it's not exactly fantastic. And now she's gone on vacation and what if she never comes back? She told me I wasn't alone with my secret anymore though, I guess that's good , but what if she decides she doesn't want to see me anymore? She doesn't want me to live here, and neither do I but I'm too scared to do anything about it. My parents would hate me. How can I love my dad and hate him simultaneously? How can I wonder if it never happened and be more convinced than anything that it did? There's a lyric in the song "Spaceman" by The Killers that goes "you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You better look it over, before you take that leap!" And that's exactly how I feel. While I get that all of this, from an outside perspective, is really fucked up, it's all I've ever known. Sometimes I still feel like every dad hurts his daughter(s). I can't imagine it being any different, you know? I can't imagine a lot of stuff other people take for granted. I can't imagine that sex would ever be anything good, let alone love, because if I ever did that with someone I'd be so humiliated and feel so used I could never love them again. I also can't imagine ever being happy. I can't remember before I was hurt. These feelings are what I've always had. I can't imagine not SI-ing. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated and alone and I don't even know how to put it into words but I just want to scream but at the same time I'm too tired to even care any more.

Your not alone and couldn't possibly make up those terrible things that happened to you. I'm so sorry they did and wish that there won't be a need for a web site like this but there is so your not alone. hang in there!
hang in there. I'm so sorry for what happened to you but you are not ALONE. I wish there wouldn't be a need for a website like this but there is so this should prove to you your not alone.
You poor sweetheart. (((((Mockingbird)))))

I know how difficult it is to start putting the puzzle pieces in place and the picture is not so pretty anymore, but you seem to be the only one who notices it's changed. This feeling of thinking you are making it up, or exaggerating, is normal. Just keep doing the best you can do. Post here while your T is out of town. Your friends here understand and believe you.
I agree. There is a song called, One Day At a time. I forget who sings it. It was the top of my tongue but I can't remember. All we can do is take One Day at a time. Now for me I have been through so much I am just thankful for getting through one second at a time. Every second I get through I feel I accomplish something. I have problems speaking before I think. I carried on my shoulders guilt. I wished I was daddy's little girl and he loved me loved his little girl lie a ral father should have. He always made me feel like I was unworthy,unloved, and unwanted. I always made feel I was that child that nobody wanted. Always made feel I was a burden and in the way. I understand what our feel and what your going through. All things work together for good. Time does heal.

July 2016

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