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Memories like gas particles zooming in my head... Trigger warning...

Posted by mockingbird , 13 April 2010 · 48 views

I've been having awful memories lately. Of my own dad raping me. I can't get his moaning out of my head. Can't get the feeling of his body pressing me into the hotel bed out of my mind. Can't get the lights of the city as he's moving on top of me out. It doesn't feel like they will ever come out. I'm stuck here forever. I'm stuck as that 4 year old giving her dad oral sex. I'm stuck as the seven year old being raped in her basement by her neighbor or being raped on a "special vacation" by her dad. I'm so scared I won't be believed if I told. I told my T it went to third base with my dad. That's it. Now I'm so damn scared to tell her that there was more. I didn't want her to think I was bad. I was so embarrassed. Will she be mad that I lied? Will she believe me? I need to get this out though. Is it worth her not liking me anymore? Is my sanity worth my therapist not liking me... wow, that's about the most fucked up question I've ever heard. Then again, I'm a fucked up kid.

Apr 14 2010 08:54 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through such awful memories right now. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

Try not to be scared to tell your T more. I'm sure she'll understand. I didn't tell mine everything at first. As we went along, more just came out. So I think it's kind of normal to not tell it all at once.

Maybe it was your way of testing your trust in her.

I think your therapist won't think anything less of you. And I don't think you have to worry about her not liking you anymore.

take gentle care of you. you're worth it.

:hug: :hug: :hug: if OK

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