Pandora's Aquarium: What am I? - Pandora's Aquarium

You know it's kind of funny the way I am. People think I'm happy, they think I "love life", yes someone has actually said that. They don't know any of it though. How am I supposed to act? If people knew that he raped me over and over and over for so long when I was a kid and I never stopped it who would want me? My mom doesn't want me. She hates me. She tells me I make her miserable and that something's wrong with me. My dad hates me. He hits me and pushes me. I get bruises, but I just say that they're from falling down. People say, "Oh, that's Rachael for you." I laugh too much. It's all fake. In all of the pictures my mouth is smiling, but my eyes aren't. My eyes are just as sad as ever and no one notices. How can you love life and want to die at the same time. You can't. How can you think about ending it with a razor to your wrist in the back of your car on a family vacation and then a week later be told you're the most hilarious person someone knows? I'm not bipolar, it sounds like it though. I'm injured but I'm trying to show the world I'm ok so they won't hate me like I hate myself. I'm the bird who has a broken wing but wants more than anything to be able to fly with the other birds, so she pretends she's ok and puts every effort she can into it. What am I? I'll tell you. I'm not that tall, smart, funny, girl they think I am. They're wrong. I'm the one who's as good as dirt. Who hates herself. Who will never be clean ever again because he took it all in the basement of her house. He took it for years. I'm a freak. And nobody can know. So I hide in this facade of vivacity.