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It's a sin to kill a mockingbird.


SI... again.

Posted by mockingbird , 09 May 2010 · 122 views

I just SI'd... again. Third time this week. I'm sorry. I ordered something to hurt myself with online but then I told my T so she said I had to give it to her. I had it all packaged up and everything but then I started having another memory about my dad. I can't handle living with him. I hurt myself badly. Now one of them is opened. I don'...


Thanks dad.

Posted by mockingbird , 21 April 2010 · 129 views

Every time I hurt myself it's because of you.

I'll just break down in the middle of something because you hurt me so bad.

Sometimes I'm too numb to feel because of you.

Anytime I think about sex and am physically and emotionally repulsed it's because of you.

I have no idea what a father daughter relationship is actually supposed to loo...


Finally saw my T today.

Posted by mockingbird , 21 April 2010 · 141 views

Two weeks. That's a looong time to go without seeing your therapist when you're sixteen and you live with the man who hurt you for six years. Maybe it's just a long time for anyone. It was good, I guess, an hour goes by so damn fast when you're with the only person that gives a shit. She cries sometimes when I tell her stuff. I mean not so...


Just venting...

Posted by mockingbird , 19 April 2010 · 174 views

I just hurt like hell. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is just going to be a stupid bitch-fest so you don't have to read this if you don't want to.

I CAN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. I can't. My grades are slipping. They're easy enough to get back up but I can't find the motivation. Nothing matters anymore. I hate my dad. I hate him so much....


You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Posted by mockingbird , 18 April 2010 · 155 views

Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe I'm making it all up. That's what I always say to myself, and maybe it's true? Any way you look at it it's confusing as hell. I hurt and I'm confused and I'm so alone. Well, that's not true exactly, I feel alone... but I'm kind of not anymore. I have my T but when you can only talk to the o...


Memories like gas particles zooming in my head... Trigger warning...

Posted by mockingbird , 13 April 2010 · 98 views

I've been having awful memories lately. Of my own dad raping me. I can't get his moaning out of my head. Can't get the feeling of his body pressing me into the hotel bed out of my mind. Can't get the lights of the city as he's moving on top of me out. It doesn't feel like they will ever come out. I'm stuck here forever. I'm...


What am I?

Posted by mockingbird , 20 December 2009 · 94 views

You know it's kind of funny the way I am. People think I'm happy, they think I "love life", yes someone has actually said that. They don't know any of it though. How am I supposed to act? If people knew that he raped me over and over and over for so long when I was a kid and I never stopped it who would want me? My mom doesn't want...

July 2016

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A blog about life, growing up, repressed memories, self loathing, SI, and CSA. Read at your own risk. Comments are always appreciated.

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.