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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!

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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

Just Another Day

30 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Today has just been another day. But I should be happy.

No anxiety, no depression. No feeling badly. No feeling at all.

Just numb.

For all the times I'd love to go get mind-numbing drunk, so I wouldn't have to feel ANYTHING, the way I feel now sucks.

I can't even feel any joy. Just nothing.

I suppose it will pass. It usually...
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What happened to my plans

29 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
At the time I was raped, I was planning on a military career. At least 20 years. It's what I wanted.

I didn't join the US Navy to find a husband, like some of the girls in my bootcamp company. My grandfather proudly served during WWII, and he always spoke highly of his time in service. I think it was his pride and telling of some of...
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Posted by missophelia  
Strange feeling, anger.

I don't handle my anger well. So it's a strange feeling for me. And because I don't handle it well, it usually turns to anxiety. But sometimes it hides deep inside of me, until it explodes in rage. Which is very scary for me.
So, when I feel anger I usually wind up a mess of raw nerves and inability to...
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Helpless

27 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I'm tired of feeling helpless.

Everything makes me feel helpless. Anxiety. Depression. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Panic Attacks. Every one of those paralyzes me and makes me feel completely helpless.

I want it to change. I want to feel strong. I want to feel confident. I want to be able to have the kind of life that I should be...
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Blame

26 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Therapy day today. I guess it was a good session. It felt different for me, though.

For some reason, I had a hard time talking about my feelings. They were the main thing we talked about today. I've gotten to the point with Dr H where I have no problem talking to her about how I feel, so I don't know why it was so difficult today. ...
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Coward

25 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I feel like a coward. Maybe that's too harsh a description of myself. I just feel like I should be able to do what I find so horribly hard. Instead, I want to run from dealing with it. But, I should be "there" in my therapy and be able to move forward.

Therapy is going good, for the most part. There's a lot in my life that...
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Blueberries

24 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
When I was a young girl I spent one afternoon picking blueberries. I don't have many memories of my childhood, but I clearly remember that summer day.

The sun was shining, there was no breeze, and it was warm, not overbearingly hot. Most of the berry bushes were in the shade, but somehow I still felt the warmth from the sun. Birds were...
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Feeling Today

23 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Feeling Today?

Anxiety

Loneliness

Depressed

Memories

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Here I Go Again

22 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
This is troubling to me, because it bothers me and brings up all sorts of memories. I guess it's a trigger, but I never imagined it would be.

D is drinking again. Not as bad as when we were first married, at least according to him. But, bad enough for him to reek of booze when he does drink.

The other day I caught a whiff of him, and...
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Dealing

21 January 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Yesterday was actually a good day. I was still feeling really positive and more confident because Dr H called me a survivor. It has given me hope, especially since I was having such doubt about myself, what with the way I've been feeling.

Today, I've been dealing with some awful memories.

Dr H wants to help me learn how to deal with...
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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

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Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.