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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

hard session....

26 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
Extremely hard. I don't really talk face to face with anyone about my SI'ing. Dr K was glad I brought it up today though.

It was very hard. Talking about a wide range of emotions, why I do it, the negatives, the positives. Why I did it this past week.

It is such a private thing for me. She asked to see my wounds, and I didn't...
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struggling...

25 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
struggling...

badly...

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lost...

23 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
I feel like I've lost myself. Lost myself in my depression. And my anger and anxiety. And I'm not sure how to come back from that.

Everything just feels so dark. Everything looks so dark to me.

I am really trying to fight it, the urge to just give up is so strong.

My urges to SI are so strong, too. And I'd like to be able to...
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despair...

22 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
1. v. To lose all hope

2. v. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

1. n. Complete loss of hope.



I feel like this is the closest I've come to what despair is defined as, in a very long time. I am really trying to pull myself out of this. I was home most of the day, then went and did my afternoon job. It wasn't good...
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feeling...

21 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
I am feeling very fragile at the moment. At the past several thousand moments, actually. And there is so much going on in my head.

Headlining all of those things right now is the fact that I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to be on the planet. I am feeling like there is absolutely no reason for me...
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which...

20 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
trigger warning for talk of SI and SU. Please take gentle care of your self if reading.

Which is worse?

The fact that I gave in and SI'ed last night?
Or how I think Dr K will see it?

I gave in to my urges last night, and SI'ed. Not badly, though. I have been having urges again today. And I know that it's like an addiction. But...
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guilty....

19 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
If I reach out, if I seek help, if I don't give in, does that somehow change who I am, and make me better for not giving in?
If I tell you that giving in to my urges would give me some relief, if I tell you that that's the only way that will work for me, does that mean I am not working on my healing?
If I say I am sorry for giving in, does...
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secret...

18 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
I feel like my depression is a dirty little secret. I couldn't even talk about it in group tonight.

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my depression...

17 March 2013
Posted by missophelia  
my depression seems to be hanging on to me, deep inside of me,
like a life sucking, blood sucking leech that has attached itself to my soul

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Posted by missophelia  
And right now, it doesn't really mean a whole lot to me. But maybe it can be something I can hang on to, and it can help to bring me out of my depression.

C, who ran the art show at my VA last month, approached me last week. Someone from a local organization, is having an art show in May, and wants to exhibit some works of local veterans. ...
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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

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Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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