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Just here

Posted by missophelia , 01 December 2009 · 31 views

I need to sleep, but my mind feels wired. I think maybe my mind won't slow down because if I don't sleep I can't have a nightmare. I had a rough evening, particularly bad flashback. I have nightmares after I've had flashbacks. So, no, I don't want to sleep. I hate feeling this way.


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Why now

Posted by missophelia , 01 December 2009 · 26 views

It's been twenty years. Twenty years of hiding my emotions. Twenty years of fighting the feelings I have of being worthless, dirty, disgusting. Twenty years of pushing the memories away, trying to feel good, normal, happy. Trying to convince myself that it didn't happen. I guess I tried to lock the rapes and all of my feelings away in some li...


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My day of therapy

Posted by missophelia , 30 November 2009 · 26 views

Well, I made it to my therapy appointment today. I slept little last night, and still felt lousy after being triggered last night. All I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball in bed and stay there forever.

It was hard for me to talk to Dr. H about being triggered. It's hard for me to talk to her about anything other than the surface stuff in my li...


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Triggered

Posted by missophelia , 29 November 2009 · 32 views

I went out to the store, then stopped to get gas. Ran into a cop. Big trigger for me. Can't describe how horrible I feel right now. I don't know what to do, other than to take my meds and go to bed. Guess I will.


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Thinking ahead

Posted by missophelia , 29 November 2009 · 25 views

It's not like I have anything better to do than think ahead. There's lots I have to keep me occupied, including some housework and trying to make turkey soup from the left overs.

But my mind keeps fast forwarding to tomorrow.

Mondays are my usual days for therapy. Don't get me wrong--Dr. H is helping me. I just hate therapy. I wonder if...


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Just tired

Posted by missophelia , 28 November 2009 · 25 views

I'm not in a good space right now. Last night I hardly slept. I feel sick, and haven't eaten much all day. Just a piece of toast and a cup of tea, which I had trouble getting down.

I went to bed early enough last night, hoping for a good night's sleep. I really need that. I finally managed to fall asleep, after pushing all the thoughts...


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Feelings...emotions...

Posted by missophelia , 27 November 2009 · 20 views

I feel like I've been on such a rollercoaster lately, and I can't stand it.
I go from anxiety, to depression, to numbness, and on and on...

All I've accomplished today is lying around, wanting so badly to cry, but not being able to. I know it's not good for me to lie around doing nothing. It doesn't help my depression. It doesn...


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Overall

Posted by missophelia , 26 November 2009 · 22 views

It was a fairly good day. I tried to stay as positive as I could, which is a big effort for me.

I don't like holidays, I haven't in a long time. I just end up feeling more alone. I find myself surrounded by family but feeling so out of place. It's been a long time since I've been truly happy. I have to pretend I'm someone I'm...


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Thankfully

Posted by missophelia , 25 November 2009 · 24 views

I got some sleep.

Four hours. That's good for me.

Last night was rough for me. Without anyone to talk to, it makes it even harder for me to get through the nights. It would be nice to have someone. But I don't. At times I just feel isolated from everyone.

I have trouble falling asleep, so it's the perfect time for me to lie in bed an...


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So what?

Posted by missophelia , 24 November 2009 · 23 views

So what?

So what if I'm home with no one to stop me. So what if my daughter is out with friends. So what if I break my sobriety. Right now it's the only way I can seem to keep him out of my head.






Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    0 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.