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Update-I Feel Wonderful

Posted by missophelia , 27 March 2010 · 57 views

I did it. I went, and I had lots of fun. And it really wasn't as bad as my anxiety led me to believe.

It was nice to see everyone I know from when I used to work at M's business. The dinner was delicious, and H, an older man who cares for M's mother, told a few really funny jokes. There was lots of laughter and a good time.

My biggest fe...


I'm Nervous

Posted by missophelia , 27 March 2010 · 40 views

I usually donít blog this early in the day, but Iím nervous about something. I thought writing it down would help.

This morning this guy, M, stopped by my house. I used to clean Mís house and business. I cleaned for him for almost 5 years. I also know most of his other employees.

I invited him in, and we sat and had coffee. A was home, so she had c...


Baby Step

Posted by missophelia , 26 March 2010 · 51 views

I took a baby step today. Surprisingly, it felt good.

D had a big problem with his truck, and he was waiting for our mechanic to let him know what kind of work it needs. The news is bad. He threw a rod. Which means the engine is gone.

His options are to spend $2,200 on a used engine, which carries no guarantee or warranty, or to sell it for par...


Too Hard On Myself

Posted by missophelia , 25 March 2010 · 60 views

I am too hard on myself.

Lately Iíve heard that a lot. Mostly from Dr H. But also from someone else, a good friend. Itís hard for me to admit, but they are both right.

I donít know why Iím always so hard on myself. Itís like I never give myself a break. I never allow myself anything I would allow for someone else. Like understanding, compassion, k...



Posted by missophelia , 24 March 2010 · 51 views

I am not assertive. I probably couldnít assert myself to save my life. Just the thought of it makes me anxious.

One of the biggest problems I have with my mother is being able to stick up for myself. When she starts berating me, Iím more like a dog with its tail between its legs. I feel like a weakling to admit that Iíd rather run and hide, then conf...



Posted by missophelia , 23 March 2010 · 46 views

Today has been unnerving.

I went in for an abdominal cat scan today. I had to drink what seemed like a ton of contrast, which left me feeling bloated and with a bad taste in my mouth.

A went with me. I guess just to keep me company, and be there for me. I was already nervous enough about it. After I checked in and filled out paperwork, I waited for...


How I React

Posted by missophelia , 22 March 2010 · 38 views

I had a good session with Dr H today. We spent most of the time talking about my mother, my anger and anxiety, and how I react to her.

I told Dr H about whatís gone on this week. Between her trying to blame A for Dís drinking, to telling me we were going to the drum circle, and how all of that has affected my stomach. And the anxiety Iím feeling.

I a...



Posted by missophelia , 21 March 2010 · 50 views

The day went ok. I managed to get the laundry done. Everything went fine until I went to pick it up when it was done. I go early in the morning, when thereís no one around so I donít have to wait for a machine. Usually no oneís there at all. But this morning, there were lots of people in the laundromat, and I couldnít wait to get out of there.



Out of Sorts Again

Posted by missophelia , 20 March 2010 · 41 views

It hasnít been a wonderful day.

My stomach has gotten really bad again. I saw the doctor yesterday. Over the next couple of weeks Iím going to be having all sorts of tests. Again. I told him Iíve been under a lot of stress lately. If I had to guess, Iíd say thatís whatís causing my pain.

Iíve been tested so many times over the past 2 years, and n...


My Silence

Posted by missophelia , 19 March 2010 · 54 views

Since I started therapy, my nightmares have changed. I still have the ones that are like a replay of being raped. But Iím having different ones, too.

I had one of those last night.

In my nightmare, he was standing over me, behind the building. I was on the ground. Even though he wasnít holding me down, I couldnít move. All I could do was look int...

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    1 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

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