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Weakness and Guilt

Posted by missophelia , 18 April 2010 · 69 views

I feel awful about myself tonight. I feel guilty. I feel weak.

Today is my grandmotherís 98th birthday. On my dadís side of the family. I have a gift for her, and a card. But I sat home all day.

My dad, my aunt and uncle, and my cousins all went to her house. A and I were supposed to go. But I feel like I chickened out. And I used a lame excuse....


Childhood Memories

Posted by missophelia , 17 April 2010 · 38 views

Iím feeling slightly better today. Not as off as I was yesterday. And I havenít bitched at A all day, even when we took a ride and she drove.

I have been doing a little more of my cleaning. Today Iíve been moving some furniture around, dusting, sweeping and vacuuming. So, there wasnít much discovering of things. But the other day I found some pictur...


Maybe PTSD, Maybe ?

Posted by missophelia , 16 April 2010 · 40 views

Iíve been off all day. I donít know if itís my PTSD, or what. Iíve been jumpy and on edge. Just off.

A and I did some running around today, and she drove. I felt like a banshee or something. I kept yelling at her about her driving, especially at intersections. I really went off on her at one in particular.

Then we passed a cop in one of the aisl...


Working On It

Posted by missophelia , 15 April 2010 · 41 views

Iím working on not letting him control me or my life anymore. Itís hard to imagine getting him out of my head, and not reacting the way I do to triggers that remind me of what he did, or memories of him.

I saw a cop today, almost ran into him when I stopped to get gas. It threw me into a panic, and I ended up sitting by the side of the road, trying to...


Weird Dream

Posted by missophelia , 14 April 2010 · 64 views

Last night I had a weird dream. My dreams have been changing since Iíve been in therapy. And Iím working on changing them, although I still donít understand the process. But Iím trying what Dr H suggested.

My dream didnít start like they usually do. I usually have nightmares about the time he raped me behind the building. I have rarely dreamed about...


Some Thoughts

Posted by missophelia , 13 April 2010 · 51 views

I spent a good part of the day cleaning more of my house. It feels good to be more motivated to get something done around here. Iíve boxed up a few more things, and gotten rid of some more garbage. And Iíve done lots of dusting, which was really needed.

While I was cleaning, I kept thinking about yesterday. In some ways yesterday feels like a dream....



Posted by missophelia , 12 April 2010 · 85 views

I donít even know how to describe my session today. It was more than I hoped it would be, and it went better than I imagined.

When I first sat down in Dr Hís office I was immediately nervous. I started by telling her about my upcoming oral surgery. I told her how thinking about it brought back memories of that night behind the gym. Then I told her th...


The Bubble

Posted by missophelia , 11 April 2010 · 55 views

Well, I got a lot done today. I think Iíve done more today than I have over the past month, as far as being motivated and getting some cleaning done. I got rid of some more stuff. A bunch of cookbooks I donít ever use, some old furniture, a couple of bags worth of trash. My kitchen still has some things I need to find new places for, but it looks a lo...


Motivated and Rambling

Posted by missophelia , 10 April 2010 · 82 views

Today has been a good day. Iíve actually been quite productive.

I started cleaning out all of the junk and clutter that Iíve accumulated these past years. I think that will help my state of mind, because when I get down or depressed, I know seeing all of it and living in a mess doesnít help me.

I am also almost done trying to figure out where Iím goin...


I Have Realized Something

Posted by missophelia , 09 April 2010 · 79 views

I did a lot of thinking today, and I have realized something. Iíve come to a conclusion. Telling my story to Dr H will not kill me.

Iíve been thinking a lot about my upcoming oral surgery. Iíve been trying not to panic. I know why Iíve been panicking. Itís because of what he did to me behind the gym. And I really think I need to talk to Dr H about...

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    1 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

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