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Melt Down

Posted by missophelia , 11 March 2010 · 17 views

Last night I had a melt down.

Today I feel a little better.

I've never been good with anger. For so many years, every time I became angry, I stuffed it. I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. I couldn't feel it. When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to express such emotions. If I did, there was something "wrong" with me. So, ov...


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The Struggle to be Kind

Posted by missophelia , 10 March 2010 · 11 views

I definitely feel different about myself now. I don't see myself as someone who deserves crap. I'm starting to see myself as someone who deserves kindness. Someone who deserves the best that life can give her.

In getting there I find I'm struggling.

I've spent so much of my life putting myself down. From self blame, to guilt, to sham...


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Changing?

Posted by missophelia , 09 March 2010 · 16 views

I feel like I'm changing, and it's a little scary. I also feel like my life is about to change, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I'm finding the need to speak up for myself more now. I don't want to let people walk all over me, or talk to me like I'm a little child. I want to feel like I have control in my life. I d...


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Session Today

Posted by missophelia , 08 March 2010 · 18 views

I had my session with Dr H today. We talked about a lot. Not a lot resolved, but some of it clearer to me.

We first talked about my most recent experience googling him. She is so proud of me for trying again, because she knows how hard it is for me to even see pictures of cops or other men in uniform. She thinks I've made a little progress, becau...


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Crying

Posted by missophelia , 07 March 2010 · 18 views

I don't know why I have such a hard time crying. I absolutely hate it. But I think I'd really benefit from it sometimes, because there are times I feel like breaking down and having a good one. Sometimes I think I need to.

Thinking about it today, I realize the last time I had a really good cry was when I first went on medication. At that tim...


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Googling Him

Posted by missophelia , 06 March 2010 · 16 views

I'm trying again to do what I haven't been able to. I'm googling him.

I'm supposed to desensitize myself to men in uniform. I'm suppose to get to the point where I don't have a panic attack when I see a cop, or other man in uniform.

Female cops or women in uniform don't bother me at all. Just men.

My psychiatrist, Dr B, s...


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Control

Posted by missophelia , 05 March 2010 · 13 views

Today's been hard for me.

I spent most of the day caught between anxiety and this angry feeling that won't go away. I've tried to keep busy so that I don't end up just lying around feeling worse. Because right now I have this feeling I get sometimes, the feeling that happens just before I go into a depression.

I think what's bother...


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His Perfect Little Victim

Posted by missophelia , 04 March 2010 · 8 views

Fear.

I became his perfect little victim. Too scared to fight back, too fearful to say anything, because with telling might come rejection, disbelief, shame. And retaliation from him.

I think I learned from an early age what it is to feel fear.

Fear of my mother. Fear of losing her love. Fear of expressing my emotions, because what came back to m...


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Anger

Posted by missophelia , 03 March 2010 · 7 views

Tonight Iím angry. All day Iíve been sitting with anger, and Iím not sure what to do about it.

I know a big part of it is my anger toward him. Iíve read through those parts of my story that have to do with him. Iíve been over them a few times in my mind.

It pisses me off that he assumed I was a slut just because I was drunk that night back in school...


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From Then To Now

Posted by missophelia , 02 March 2010 · 11 views

Twenty years have passed.

I got out of the Navy, but I wasn't happy. My future was now uncertain. The career I had so proudly wanted was taken from me. That is only one of the things he stole from me. By the time my separation date came, I was beyond frantic to get as far away as I could from any man in uniform.

I got a job, got pregnant, got on...






Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    6 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 6 guests, 0 anonymous users

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