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Another Reason

Posted by missophelia , 16 March 2010 · 19 views

Iíve been trying not to be preoccupied by whatís been bothering me. Instead, I just have more worries.

D was sober for several years. Before that, every time he drank he did until he passed out.

Well, heĎs been drinking again, and I confronted him. I asked him why he was drinking again. He told me it was something for him to do. Hmm.

Yesterday,...


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Rough Session

Posted by missophelia , 15 March 2010 · 14 views

I had trouble talking in session today. I think that what happened this week is bothering me more than I realized.

I've really been trying to give myself a break where it concerns my rage episode. I guess I see it as a little setback in my healing. I thought I was more in control of my emotions. I always thought my depression was my biggest conce...


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What Scares Me?

Posted by missophelia , 14 March 2010 · 9 views

I slept a little better last night. No real nightmares. Just some vague dreams. I had that smothering feeling again.

As he raped me I remember thinking I was going to suffocate. I couldn't breathe. He kept his hand so tightly over my mouth. The more I tried to scream, and the more I fought him, the harder it was to breathe.

Later, after, whe...


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That Nightmare

Posted by missophelia , 13 March 2010 · 13 views

Today hasn't been wonderful. I've been really tired. I got little sleep last night. I had that nightmare again.

I think I need to write it down, get it out of my head. All I've been able to think about all day is that nightmare, and I want the thoughts to stop now.

My dream starts with him holding me by my neck behind the building. Then...


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Stuff Running Through My Mind

Posted by missophelia , 12 March 2010 · 10 views

Today has been ok. Not great, but not as bad as the past couple of days.

We got good news. It looks like A finally got a job.

She's undecided about what she wants to do with her life. I can't blame her--at 18 I had no real idea what I wanted to do with my life. So, she's been looking for a job. It's really tough out there, tryin...


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Melt Down

Posted by missophelia , 11 March 2010 · 16 views

Last night I had a melt down.

Today I feel a little better.

I've never been good with anger. For so many years, every time I became angry, I stuffed it. I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. I couldn't feel it. When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to express such emotions. If I did, there was something "wrong" with me. So, ov...


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The Struggle to be Kind

Posted by missophelia , 10 March 2010 · 10 views

I definitely feel different about myself now. I don't see myself as someone who deserves crap. I'm starting to see myself as someone who deserves kindness. Someone who deserves the best that life can give her.

In getting there I find I'm struggling.

I've spent so much of my life putting myself down. From self blame, to guilt, to sham...


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Changing?

Posted by missophelia , 09 March 2010 · 15 views

I feel like I'm changing, and it's a little scary. I also feel like my life is about to change, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I'm finding the need to speak up for myself more now. I don't want to let people walk all over me, or talk to me like I'm a little child. I want to feel like I have control in my life. I d...


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Session Today

Posted by missophelia , 08 March 2010 · 17 views

I had my session with Dr H today. We talked about a lot. Not a lot resolved, but some of it clearer to me.

We first talked about my most recent experience googling him. She is so proud of me for trying again, because she knows how hard it is for me to even see pictures of cops or other men in uniform. She thinks I've made a little progress, becau...


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Crying

Posted by missophelia , 07 March 2010 · 16 views

I don't know why I have such a hard time crying. I absolutely hate it. But I think I'd really benefit from it sometimes, because there are times I feel like breaking down and having a good one. Sometimes I think I need to.

Thinking about it today, I realize the last time I had a really good cry was when I first went on medication. At that tim...






Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

July 2014

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    1 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.