In my session on Friday, I started to identify some emotions and beliefs from the rape, both of which I have held deep inside of me for all of these past 25 years. Emotions and beliefs that go beyond all of the surface emotions I have always connected with the rapes.
For so long I have operated from a feeling of fear whenever I thought about, dreamed about, or spoke about the rapes or about the man who raped me. And for so long, as Dr K pointed out on Friday, that fear has covered up most every other emotion and belief that I have held from those two nights that I was raped.
It is like I am burrowing down, deep inside of my self, down to the core. To the core of not only those emotions and beliefs, but also, the core of those two nights.
Yes, I have been able to put those emotions and beliefs into words, but until this past Friday, I don't think I really saw the connection of both of those to the rapes, or the impact they have had on my self and my life since those two nights back in 1989.
And both emotions, and beliefs, those things that came from those rapes, have been held so tightly by me, so deep inside of me. I have taken them to heart, and they have been totally engrained inside of me, and entwined in every fiber of my mind, my body, and my soul.
Listening to the taping I do in my sessions is hard. And I still feel like I am mourning. I never really wept for my self, for the part of me that he killed those two nights. I know I have a way to go.
It is a process.