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decision to make... TW....

Posted by missophelia , 05 January 2014 · 184 views

TW for mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts and feelings.  Please take gentle care of you if you choose to read.
 
 
I keep thinking, I need to be in the hospital.
 
I keep thinking, all I'll be doing is running away from my problem.
 
I keep thinking, that's what I want to do by ending my life.
 
And what's so bad about that?
 
I keep thinking about a million little things that worry me and scare me about being admitted to the hospital.
 
I keep thinking about how scared at myself I get at times. 
 
I keep thinking, everything will be waiting for me when I leave the hospital.
 
I keep thinking, I need to do something to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed.
 
And maybe the hospital is the place for that?
 
I wish I could stop thinking.  Stop feeling.  Stop hurting.  Just stop everything in and about my life.
 
I wish I was dead, and I feel like, if there was some other way to stop all of those bad things going on in my life and in my body and in my mind right now.... 
 
But I don't know what alternative I have to ending it all.
 
I hate feeling this way, and thinking what I've been thinking, because just this feeling and those thoughts are painful enough, without all the other painful crap I'm going through.
 
I honestly don't think being in the hospital is going to do anything for me in any way.
 
I have a decision to make.



Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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