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Posted by missophelia , 08 November 2013 · 252 views

Trying is hard.  Very hard.  It feels like I have to reach way down inside of myself, in some hidden deep inner well, to try and bring up something that my inner self has depleted.
I have hardly any hope.  I have hardly any feeling close to strength, or courage. 
I don't know where any of that is inside of me. 
And I don't know why I am still here, or why I am still going on, despite the fact that I feel doomed.
This is a link to something on the mayo clinic that my psychiatrist is trying to use with me, to help with my depression.
I cannot take most every depression med (or a vast majority of meds for anything else), because most every single one has lactose in it.  I am highly sensitive and allergic to lactose.  Taking a med with lactose would severely affect my stomach, which in turn would only make me more depressed.  A couple of months ago, I did try Wellbutrin.  It has no lactose.  However, it gave me some pretty bad stomach pain.
So, I am trying what is called a lightbox.  It is simply a box with bulbs in it that mimic the sun and all the sun brings to us in the way of natural outdoor light.  It is most commonly prescribed for the treatment of SAD, seasonal affective disorder.  But it can be used for the treatment of non seasonal affected depression, too.  I included the link in case anyone wanted to read about lightbox therapy.
I finally picked it up from the VA today.  Nice that they paid for it for me.  And I tried it for the first time this morning.  I sit with it for 5 minutes every morning, although the length of time may increase slightly.  My doc says you have to use it before noon. 
So, I will try it.  I am trying it. 
And that's a good thing?
Trying to see it that way.

Trying is really effing hard especially when you feel like you don't have the capacity to do so.  That really sucks that you can't take medication.  I can somewhat relate.  I do not have problems with lactose, but most psychotropic meds I've taken (anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-depressant type anti-psychotics, I think the I've tried is number is over 20) just create other mood problems for me.


Sending good vibes your way and hoping that the lightbox helps for you!

Nov 08 2013 06:04 PM



Thanks.  It really is so hard. 


It really does suck to not be able to take medication.  I'm sorry that you have problems with medications, too.


Thanks for the good vibes. 

so glad miss - Ive heard some about light (and also sound) therapy. and just wanted you to know I totally get how hard it is to crawl out of a deep deep hole of depression. it totally is a good thing that you are trying !

Nov 11 2013 01:40 PM



Thank you.  It really is very hard, and it feels like trying to crawl out of some deep dark hole.  

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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