the past few days...
I did a good thing. Yeah, I get it. But I don't want to hear it. If I have to hear it again, I feel like I'm going to scream. I don't feel like I did a good thing. I don't feel good at all.
I feel like I've lost something. Something of value. Something that kept me safe, in some kind of insane way.
I know having those pills didn't keep me safe. But it all comes back to feeling like they were some kind of security blanket.
Maybe it's also that I still am just really struggling with wanting to be alive. I really have some seriously strong moments of wishing I was dead.
And I know that I was planning to use those pills to kill myself.
It was very hard for me to actually hand those pills over to the nurse. Extremely hard.
Before I met with Dr K, I actually felt like I was going to throw up. But it was weird, when I was sitting there, and she was dumping those pills into the container. I felt a little something like relief. It was a small part of me that felt that, and it was a brief feeling. And just being able to say that brings tears to my eyes, I think because I still am not feeling totally safe with myself.
The feeling was fleeting. It didn't last long. But for a few brief moments, it felt good, almost like a weight was being lifted off of me.
I wish I could feel that feeling right now.
Since I turned the pills in, I have struggled with feeling like I've lost total control. Having the pills gave me a sense of having some sort of control over my feelings, and over the urges I've been having to kill myself. I don't know if that even makes sense.
And beyond that feeling of control, it was just kind of like a reassurance, because they were there.
I have been trying to just ignore my feelings. My anxiety, which has gotten bad today, Saturday. I've just tried to ignore how I feel, put everything on the back burner, or something like that. But it feels very hard for me tonight, very hard to ignore any of how I feel. And I dread getting into bed. I dread laying there with nothing but my thoughts and feelings.
I am anxious. I know it ties in to the feeling I have that I have no control. It makes it worse in those moments when I think about killing myself, and the feelings that I want to die come on.
I am angry. I am angry that I even brought up the pills and started talking about how I have them. And I kind of feel like I was forced to give them up.
I still feel so depressed. I don't know how I got to this point.
You know, I feel like, me feeling that relief, even though it was brief, at getting rid of my pills, that that makes me weak. I have people saying I am strong, I am brave. But I don't see it. I don't feel it, and I don't believe it.
I feel a lot of anxiety right now at the thought of where I am supposed to go from here. It is Sunday morning, and I am sitting here, trying to keep my anxiety over giving my pills away at a lull. If I don't think about it, if I don't think about anything at all, then I seem to be fine.
But I can't go through my life not thinking about anything at all.
I just feel like I've lost my direction, and that isn't something that is new. For quite some time now, I've felt like I've been losing my direction. When I used to be self assured as to where I was going in my healing.
Anymore, though, I just feel lost. And I kind of feel like certain things have kept me from getting just totally lost and not being able to find my way back. And those things have always been my cutting tool. And my pills.
And I don't know if that goes back to feeling like I have some control in my life. But it seems to be that that is how it is.
Right now, it being Tuesday evening, I feel numb to the fact that I gave my pills away. I kind of feel numb about everything. Other than that, I just feel depressed. Depressed, and numb.
I don't know if the numb feeling is in reaction to all of the anxiety I have felt, and if it is my body's way of coping. I'm not sure. I feel numb. I feel depressed. And I feel angry.
And I still don't want to be on this planet.