not even normally abnormal...
I just got home from the VA. My therapist wanted me to join this DBT group. So, I went to the group. I couldn't wait to get out of it. I felt like I was running away from it when it was over. I was extremely uncomfortable, to say the least.
The one woman running it seemed really cold, bossy, overbearing. Both women had this attitude of just getting over it. Yes, you had stuff in your past, 10 years, or 20 years, in the past. But that's where the stuff is supposed to stay, in the past. You need to leave it there, in the past. They came off as being very minimizing. It needs to stay in the past, not in the “moment”. Not in the now.
That get over it attitude really pisses me off.
Talk about making me feel worse. I already feel horrible because I am having so many problems dealing with the traumas. Now I have these women telling me that the things that happened to me have to stay in the past? I haven't moved on.
And basically, neither of them want to hear it. That kind of thing is for us to discuss with our individual therapists. Because DBT isn't therapy.
So then why does the T in DBT stand for therapy?
I felt like I was sitting in a grade school classroom, and that I was being talked down to. Maybe the other people in the group are just lower functioning than me? I don't know. I don't mean to sound like I'm stuck up, and if you know me, you know I am in no way stuck up about myself. But come on. I felt like I was being talked to like I am a child. For instance:
We WON'T be late to group. We WILL participate. We WILL be called on if we don't voluntarily participate. We this, we that. I get the rules. But the way they were put out, I felt like I was being lectured by an adult who saw me as a child.
There were 5 men in the group. One woman. I was crammed between a desk and a man, and he was way too close to my personal space. Every seat I could have taken I would have been sitting by a man, or a man on each side of me.
We WILL be getting to know each other? We WILL be sharing personal stuff?
In what universe am I even remotely ready to share personal stuff with any man? Let alone 5? Other than the personal stuff I choose to share with my father, and he is just different, I don't really share personal stuff with men.
I do have to say, the few men I interact with in the art room, it has taken me time to be able to interact with them as much as I do. It didn't happen over night. But still, I don't share much that is personal. And I sure as hell wouldn't share anything at all personal if I was just thrown into any kind of group with them.
The way it was put out, I feel like I will be pressured to share, to participate, to let those men into my life, and I am not ready for that. I don't know, maybe if it was one or two men? But not 5, with only 1 woman there, and 2 group facilitators who come off authoritarian and cold.
I don't know how I made it through the group without breaking down in tears. I was close. I don't know how I didn't leave my skin in my chair, because I was ready to crawl out of my skin. My anxiety was THAT horrible.
You know, the insane thing is, I kept trying to make excuses in my own mind. That it was just me. That I'm not seeing things clearly right now because of my depression. That I'm being too thin skinned. That I'm being ridiculous being bothered by 5 men in the group.
But then I think, no, I'm not being any of those things. And why should I make excuses for how I feel, why should I try to pin some kind of blame on myself for how I feel. You know, the group got over 3 hours ago, and I still feel really anxious.
And all of this has just piled on top of me more of me feeling like I'm a failure. I was a failure for having to be put in this group. I'm a failure, because I can't just go with it, and be ok with the way this group was today.
And driving home, that damned why should I bother thinking crept back in. That thinking leads to thoughts of ending it all.
I feel like I'm screwed. NOTHING is ever going to fix me. NOTHING is ever going to make me feel better, or help me. I am never going to be able to deal with the trauma and move on, and heal.
I just want to cry.