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anniversary....TW for strong language....

Posted by missophelia , 12 September 2013 · 122 views

Tonight is an anniversary. 24 year anniversary.

24 years ago tonight, I was raped behind the quarterdeck building while serving in northern California at a small US Navy base, by a superior of mine.

And tonight, I am angry.

And this is what's on my mind.

I am not a slut.

You are a slut.

By committing rape, you have whored yourself out to the sickness in your mind.

Shame on you, you sick, dirty, disgusting piece of crap.

I am so tired of fighting what that bastard did to me. I know that the past 5 years in therapy have been long, and I also know that I could spend many more long years in therapy. But I just feel like he has been ruling my world for these past 24 years, and I am so tired of it.

This year is different, though. This year, I am actually angry. And it's such a new feeling in reaction to an anniversary. It's like something inside of me awoke today.

I don't know if part of this is being spurred on by the way I am feeling physically. I have spent a miserable few days dealing with how I feel physically due to lyme disease. I have to admit, I have been feeling doomed.

But as well as being so angry with the man from the Navy, I have decided to turn my research on lyme disease from just what the symptoms and effects are, to what I can do with my diet to combat those symptoms and effects.

I am hoping that all of this stays with me for a while. That I don't lose my resolve.

Because I think that, at least for a little while, I need to feel this anger at that man in the Navy. I need to let myself sit with it. Because I feel that if I don't, I will return to what I have been for quite some time now--a survivor who has been unable to move forward in her healing.

And I think that I also need to be proactive in the steps I take to get myself as healthy physically as I can be, and to get to a place with my diet, sleep, and exercise, that I can maintain a healthiness that may possibly help keep my body from being just totally overwhelmed by this disease and its symptoms and effects.

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

July 2016

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

    5 user(s) viewing

    0 members, 5 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.