anniversary....TW for strong language....
24 years ago tonight, I was raped behind the quarterdeck building while serving in northern California at a small US Navy base, by a superior of mine.
And tonight, I am angry.
And this is what's on my mind.
I am not a slut.
You are a slut.
By committing rape, you have whored yourself out to the sickness in your mind.
Shame on you, you sick, dirty, disgusting piece of crap.
I am so tired of fighting what that bastard did to me. I know that the past 5 years in therapy have been long, and I also know that I could spend many more long years in therapy. But I just feel like he has been ruling my world for these past 24 years, and I am so tired of it.
This year is different, though. This year, I am actually angry. And it's such a new feeling in reaction to an anniversary. It's like something inside of me awoke today.
I don't know if part of this is being spurred on by the way I am feeling physically. I have spent a miserable few days dealing with how I feel physically due to lyme disease. I have to admit, I have been feeling doomed.
But as well as being so angry with the man from the Navy, I have decided to turn my research on lyme disease from just what the symptoms and effects are, to what I can do with my diet to combat those symptoms and effects.
I am hoping that all of this stays with me for a while. That I don't lose my resolve.
Because I think that, at least for a little while, I need to feel this anger at that man in the Navy. I need to let myself sit with it. Because I feel that if I don't, I will return to what I have been for quite some time now--a survivor who has been unable to move forward in her healing.
And I think that I also need to be proactive in the steps I take to get myself as healthy physically as I can be, and to get to a place with my diet, sleep, and exercise, that I can maintain a healthiness that may possibly help keep my body from being just totally overwhelmed by this disease and its symptoms and effects.