It was very hard putting my tool away. I know that must sound awfully strange to you. I feel like I have some kind of weird relationship with it. But to me, it feels like a friend. And, even if I am not using it, just having it there, next to me, or near me, helps me to feel ok, because itís like having a security blanket. And when a security blanket is locked away in a closet, there is no security.
It took a lot for me to actually be able to put my tool in the closet last week. I wrapped it in a shirt, and hesitated before I buried it behind some heavy blankets and sewing items. I felt a lot of anxiety when I walked away from it. But I was able to be busy, and get my mind occupied on something else. That night, however, I was really tempted to go into the closet and retrieve it.
I seemed to be ok, until my car broke down. And now that I have taken it back out, itís been hard convincing myself to put it back in the back of my closet.
I donít totally understand the attachment I have to my tool.
But thinking about burying it in the back of my closet again is hard. I feel this anxiety over doing it again. It was so hard for me when I did it last week.
I havenít cut in a while. But, itís like, if I bury my tool again, and I have another problem, I just feel like I wonít be able to resist getting it out. So, why bury it.
See, when I have my tool, even if I donít use it, I feel like I have some control. Just knowing itís there, just being able to see it, makes me feel safe, in control. Itís really hard to put into words.
homework for this week...her attempt to help me get past my self injury so I can get back to my healing...