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the past loves to come out to bite me...

Posted by missophelia , 13 August 2013 · 88 views

I didn't get to blog last night. Mondays are hard for me. I have work, and then my women's support group at my VA. Yesterday, I also had therapy, right before my group. So, it's a long day. And since Tuesdays are always an early day, I basically come home, eat, shower, get ready for Tuesday, and go to bed. Doesn't give me much time to blog, let alone even think.

Anyway, I hate that it is this time of the year.

August, and on into September.

Anniversary time.

I hate anniversaries.

I hate that it's called "anniversaries". Why? I'm not celebrating the rapes. So why do we refer to them as anniversaries.

I've noticed over the past few days that I have been having more memories. Just, all sorts of memories, of the rapes. And I know that's tied in to the August air. This time of the year, the way the weather is. When the sun goes down. The fact that I am gradually changing my wardrobe from summer stuff, to a few fall pieces of clothing. Yes, it still gets hot here this time of the year, but that chill in the air is starting to happen more and more.

Where I was stationed, where I was raped...the base was right on the ocean, in northern California. So, yes there was sun. But there was always that chill in the air.

And just yesterday, on the way home from group, I said to myself, I do not want to go through another anniversary.

But, here I am.

24 years.

You would think that, in all of that time, with all of those years gone, that the memories would fade. That it wouldn't be so painful anymore. Or scary. That I wouldn't be so triggered and taken right back there from the smell of musk cologne. That I wouldn't be so triggered by just the sight of a cop or sheriff.

Instead, all there is is this fear, and pain. And the memories.

I hate anniversaries.



Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

June 2016

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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