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existing...

Posted by missophelia , 19 June 2013 · 55 views

I feel like I am just existing.

I haven't blogged here in a while.

It's become very hard for me at times to talk about how I feel. To write it down. To speak.

I feel trapped in my home life. I feel overwhelmed.

I feel my depression and my anxiety, like they are overrunning my life at times.

I feel like I am just existing.

I enjoy little to nothing. I look forward to just about nothing.

And then my anger creeps in.

I am still SI'ing.

I am not handling struggling well.

I hate this. And I almost feel this is pointless, writing here.

Because I don't feel that it will make any kind of difference at all.



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Untangling-It-All
Jun 19 2013 07:23 PM
I am glad you wrote anyway. I think it is good to express what we are thinking or feeling. I hope that at least it helps you to feel heard, even if a little bit, by the responses you get here. :hug:
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missophelia
Jun 19 2013 07:28 PM
Thanks, Untangling. I guess I'll have to see if it helps.

:hug:
I feel exactly the same way with the existing part. I also have a problem that you may or may not be experiencing.....

Abuse did help "paint" my personality. It provided me with certain fears, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and actions. Most of these were very dysfunctional, and I've been trying to erase or paint over each area through counseling. I've been trying to find who I came into the world as, and what I would have been like without the abuse. I've set an image of this person I think I should be into my mind, and yet the person that I am is REALLY different. I feel as though I'm living in a void between two worlds. I can't find the core of myself and "just" magically transfer into that being. No I'm stuck with existing in a pretend world.......Pretending to be better or more than I am. Pretending to not have the dysfunction, thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, or actions that I do. I'm trying to change, but I don't know who I'm going to change into, and what I can see about me that is the remnant of everything life has given, is so very different than what my social world accepts. This incongruity causes me to feel overwhelmed, and anxious.......and as you said.........just existing. I'm depressed and angry. I'm alone......isolated. I'm not in a dysfunctional world like my childhood, but I'm not in a socially normal world either, where I see life in the same view as those who have never gone through this journey. Pandora's is helping because I sort of feel like I belong somewhere. I get to be just "me" on here. I'm not monitoring my responses or actions just so I fit in, or so that I don't scare people or get viewed or judged as a freak. So thanks for sharing.
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missophelia
Jun 20 2013 03:17 PM
Orchid

Thank you so much for sharing what you wrote.

I can really relate to much of what you say. All of the feelings, the things that the abuse left me with. I'm working with my therapist to tackle each of the areas you mention. It is hard. It tends to go slowly. And yeah, I feel the same way here, I can just be me. I can write, and express things here that I can't do anywhere else. No one judges here. And it does help.

You take care of you. :)

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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