I get down on myself, and feel like a failure. Because I am not managing anything in my life well. And that doesn't even have anything to do with my SI'ing. I know that that is not the best way to cope, but at this point, I don't feel like a failure for giving in again. It is how I am coping.
And I hate to admit something else.
Most of the time, I feel like I have no control over the rapes. Something reminds me of him, or of those nights, and when my mind goes there, I find myself filled with all of those feelings, and thoughts, and beliefs, that he left me with.