So many emotions swirling around inside of my head right now.
Wednesday night, I talked online to someone on the hotline. It helped me get through the night without SI'ing.
Yesterday, I gave in to my urges. It was a bad day. I should have called and talked to Dr K.
Sometimes, though, I get tired of talking. I get tired of explaining, of running it through my head and speaking it to someone. The reasons why. The thoughts in my head. The emotions that are running rampant through me right now.
Sometimes, it is just so much easier to give in.
And it helps.
And maybe if it didn't help, I wouldn't give in to my urges. I don't know.
I guess I'm looking for some relief. Which is ironic, or something like that. Because there is still this huge part of me that wants to beat myself up, to not give myself a break. To do harm to myself. So, you wouldn't think I was looking for relief. I pretty much have some massive self hatred at many times.
I remember when I was a teenager, and I SI'ed. Back then, there was no real public knowledge of the particular thing I did to SI. I think that the first time I ever really heard anything about it was when my daughter was about 4 years old. There was a movie about a girl that SI'ed the way I used to. I remember that day, because suddenly, there was a name to what I used to do.
In a way, it was validating. All of those emotions around what I did. All of the reasons why. All that I left unspoken back then. It all made sense. And it all was suddenly ok, because all of that was real. It wasn't just something I did for whatever. It was something I did because. And I wasn't alone.
Because back then, I always felt a little bit like a freak for what I did.
I know that the very first time I SI'ed, it came of a failed suicide attempt. I think that when I tried to kill myself, and failed, that what I did as a result of trying suicide, I found those actions very comforting and helpful. And until I attempted suicide in another manner, and ended up in the hospital, I used those other actions to help me cope.
Lately, my therapist asks me, at every session, if I can keep myself safe if I leave the VA.
My last session, I told her that I don't feel like what I do to SI is unsafe at all.
And at the same time, I know that those who don't SI, they don't see that as normal at all. A big part of why I don't broadcast what I do anywhere.
For me, SI'ing is a very private thing. Everything around it is very private. Which makes it very hard for me to even share any of it with Dr K.
I know I should be worried. At least, I tell myself that. But the honest truth is that I am finding it so helpful, that I'm not really worrying. Which is part of what left me torn for so long, and fighting for so long to not give in to my urges. I knew that if I gave in, it would make it easier to SI the next time.
I'm not sure where to go from here. But for now, I at least feel like I can get through each day. I don't know, maybe I need a good knock upside my head.
Because there is still that little tiny part of me, somewhere inside, that feels like maybe I shouldn't SI. But then again, after the horrible wave of depression I had at work this evening, I just don't know.
I don't know what to do.