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just another day...

Posted by missophelia , 29 March 2013 · 100 views

Dr K called me first thing this morning. I figured I had called her too late in the day yesterday. Anyway, she was really good to me. I feel like I don't deserve her. We talked a little about what's been going on with me the past couple of days. She did ask if I threw my tool away. I was honest with her. I'm sure at my next session we will talk more about that. But she didn't yell at me about the fact that I still have it. I explained to her the bad anxiety it has given me, the thought of throwing it away.

She did go over a few things I need to keep in mind for the weekend that I can do if I need extra support. Like, calling the hotline. Or going to the hospital. That was after I told her some of the depressive thoughts I've been having.

I did talk briefly with her about the hotline. We are urged to call it if we feel like hurting ourselves or if we are thinking of suicide. One of the first times I talked with someone on online chat, I was basically told that if I was just feeling like hurting myself, to contact this other place. That didn't stop me from going online another day with them, and it was someone different and that person didn't say anything like that. Thankfully what the one person said didn't deter me from going online again. But I told Dr K about what the one person had said. She said from her understanding, they are supposed to be there even if you just feel like hurting yourself. She told me to let her know if that ever happened again.

I've had some bad urges to SI today. It is very hard to not give in. I honestly don't know if I can keep from giving in this weekend. And my anxiety and depression have been bad. I am really trying to just stay busy and ignore how I'm feeling. It's not working too well.

You know, I do realize that when I SI, it only reinforces it as a coping skill. And I do know that it is a negative coping skill. But it's like I told Dr K in my session last week. When I do that, when I SI, I don't feel like I'm unsafe. Because, when she asks me if I can keep myself safe, she is including SI'ing in that. Not just SU. SI, too. So I told her that. I don't feel unsafe when I injure myself.

I know, there is a whole lot there I need to work on. There is so much around SI'ing. So many emotions, so many feelings. So much in just the act alone.

I was thinking today, and I wonder something. I wonder what the number is, how many people start SI'ing, or relapse back into SI'ing, after they have already started therapy. After they've been in therapy for a number of years, like me. As opposed to people who SI, and then go into therapy because they are self injurers.

Just the curious rambling of my mind. And my thinking that I've done things backward. Or something like that.

I just really wish the feeling that I am beyond all hope would go away. I don't know how I got so far off track, or where I went off track. But I feel like I did before I even started therapy in 2008.

Mar 29 2013 07:02 PM
I think your conversation today was a positive one. I am so glad you were able to talk to Dr. K.

You are not beyond all hope. You felt like this before, back before therapy in 2008 but then things did improve for you. You've slid down the past few months, I don't know the reasons but I am sure Dr. K would have thoughts around that, about the reasons for it. I think understanding that can help, and reduce the hopelessness. Things improved in the past, and they can and will again. I do not believe it is hopeless for you.

You did so well today being open and honest about things with Dr. K. I know that can't have been easy. I think this is something to be proud of :) :hug:
Mar 29 2013 07:34 PM

Yeah, she has always gotten back to me. I think it was a positive talk I had with her. I think it helped a little, for a little while.

Maybe Dr K will have thoughts about what's gone on with me the past few months. I think part of what is making me feel the way I do is that I have relapsed with my SI'ing. It feels like a huge step backward while at the same time feeling like I'm right where I should be in managing my depression and anger and anxiety. SI'ing helps, even if it's short term and not a positive coping skill. But in the end it doesn't help much with my feeling hopeless.

It's like a vicious cycle.

Thanks for saying all of that. And for saying I should be proud of my being open and honest. It really was hard. :hug:
I am proud of you, I hope you are proud of you. :hug: if ok
Mar 30 2013 04:50 AM

Thank you. It is hard for me to be proud of myself. I am trying. :hug: to you, too, they are ok. :)

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