2. v. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.
1. n. Complete loss of hope.
I feel like this is the closest I've come to what despair is defined as, in a very long time. I am really trying to pull myself out of this. I was home most of the day, then went and did my afternoon job. It wasn't good most of the day, and as soon as I left the house, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that feeling.
I have been having urges to SI, I try to stay occupied, but they are just there. It is like they are underlying every moment of my day.
All I ever found joy in has seemed to disappear. I simply cannot get myself to find any happiness or joy in anything.
Douglas Horton said, "Smile, it’s free therapy.” I wish it was that easy. And I have tried. All it does to me when I smile, is make me want to cry. Makes me feel worse.
I just feel useless, worthless, and like there is no purpose for me to even be here.