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Posted by missophelia , 22 March 2013 · 95 views

1. v. To lose all hope

2. v. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

1. n. Complete loss of hope.

I feel like this is the closest I've come to what despair is defined as, in a very long time. I am really trying to pull myself out of this. I was home most of the day, then went and did my afternoon job. It wasn't good most of the day, and as soon as I left the house, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that feeling.

I have been having urges to SI, I try to stay occupied, but they are just there. It is like they are underlying every moment of my day.

All I ever found joy in has seemed to disappear. I simply cannot get myself to find any happiness or joy in anything.

Douglas Horton said, "Smile, its free therapy. I wish it was that easy. And I have tried. All it does to me when I smile, is make me want to cry. Makes me feel worse.

I just feel useless, worthless, and like there is no purpose for me to even be here.

Mar 22 2013 06:22 PM
I am so sorry you are feeling so awful right now. You are not useless or worthless, and there IS a purpose to you being here. The trouble is you just cannot see it right now. The depression has blinded you to these things. Depression lies to us and it's so hard to see while you're in the midst of it. Depression erases the good things. I have been in that awful place, I thought everyone would be better off without me. It wasn't true and it was distorted thinking. People would have been worse off without me. My husband would have lost his wife, and my kids their mother. They needed me (and still do of course). You are needed in this world. By your friends and by your daughter and your grand-baby. You are loved and wanted. :hug: :hug: :hug:

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