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scared of me...

Posted by missophelia , 13 December 2012 · 25 views

I have had such a hard time lately, with everything. And also with getting myself to be able to write.

I hope that I can at least put some words and thoughts down here.

I have been struggling with depression. Anxiety. Anger. Today has been extremely hard for me.

And again, like last year, christmas has hit me and filled me with horrible anxiety.

I have been having many urges to SI lately. And, over the course of the past couple days, thoughts of SU.

I also have lost my appetite.

The last time I was this depressed was when I first started therapy, in the fall of 2008. But it was different back then.

Back then, I just simply did not care if I lived or died. I went about the things I had to do, except for work, and just didn't care what happened to me. I wasn't actively trying to bring anything about.

It's different lately. And that's what scares me. Today, I almost took an active step toward SU.

I am fine now. It seems like those thoughts come in waves, almost. It's like, my depression is there, but I have these flare ups where it is all just overwhelming all of a sudden. Mixed with a sudden, extremely horrible anxiety. And that's what happened today.

I thought about calling Dr K. I don't want to end up in the hospital.

I don't know what to do.

Dec 13 2012 07:46 PM
Oh missophelia :hug: I am so sorry. Please do call Dr. K. Talk to her. Reach out. Being able to let someone else know what's really happening inside makes a difference. It reduces the intensity. It makes it easier to cope with. She can work with you, to prevent you from ending up in hospital. I know I felt a little relief when I told my therapist how I really felt when things were so bad for me. The intensity went down some. Just having someone know how I was feeling and knowing they were there to listen and help made such a difference.

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I am also really glad that you didn't actually do anything today. Please keep reaching out. Try to connect with others. It will help you through this period. Please hang on. You deserve to get through this and to have a better life. PM me any time too. I don't want you to feel like you are alone, because you aren't. :hug:

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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