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update 1...

Posted by missophelia , 03 December 2012 · 10 views

Nothing concrete to write, just maybe the act of writing something may help?

Today I worked. It was a real struggle to get up and go. But I also had physical therapy down at the VA. So I made myself go to work, and then went down for my PT.

My back has been horrible. I don't know how much the PT is actually helping. And at work today, I had to stop several times and sit. I'm not sure when I work next.

I can't shake this depression. I don't know why. Maybe I am trying too hard. But then I think that if I try any less, I'll just give up and give in to it.

I also can't shake the urges I've been having to SI. And the feeling that I really don't care whether I am here or anywhere, for that matter. And then I think, what if I give in to the urges to SI. No biggie, right?

Up until this point, I've really fought those urges, because I've been down that road before, and it's so hard for me to stop once I start using SI as a coping mechanism. But at this point, I'm not really even caring about any of that. And at this point, it just feels like it's gone way beyond me using SI as a way of lashing out at myself. The self hatred is there, but it just feels like the depression is stronger right now.

I've been very anxious today, too. I don't know why. And I've been very angry. I almost got myself in some real trouble this morning.

I should share that with Dr K. But when I saw her last week, she was already concerned enough about the things I told her about how I'm feeling. I don't know how far her concern would go, along the lines of putting me in the hospital. But I don't want to go there.

That's all.

I can definitely relate to your feelings. I tried a couple of things that I thought would do the trick. I didn't want to be here or with anyone for that matter. No one truly understands the depression and the urges like those who have been put in the same shoes as you.. I have been dealing with my demons for 5 years and some. I never thought it would happen again, but it did, and this time I don't remember anything at all.. which is my biggest fear. a part of me wants to know and a part of me could care less to find out... Ending it all used to be on top of that list but dear it won't solve anything. There are people around you who care if you can just open up to them ( not just your counselor). I wish you nothing but positive prayer and now that somewhere in this darkness there is light.
Dec 04 2012 03:43 PM

Thank you for your kinds words. I'm sorry for what you've been through, and what you are going through. And you're right, no one really understands unless they've been there. I know that ending it all won't solve anything. I think that's why I'm still here, fighting. And yes, there is light, I just have to try and find it in all of this darkness.

Thanks again.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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