Today I worked. It was a real struggle to get up and go. But I also had physical therapy down at the VA. So I made myself go to work, and then went down for my PT.
My back has been horrible. I don't know how much the PT is actually helping. And at work today, I had to stop several times and sit. I'm not sure when I work next.
I can't shake this depression. I don't know why. Maybe I am trying too hard. But then I think that if I try any less, I'll just give up and give in to it.
I also can't shake the urges I've been having to SI. And the feeling that I really don't care whether I am here or anywhere, for that matter. And then I think, what if I give in to the urges to SI. No biggie, right?
Up until this point, I've really fought those urges, because I've been down that road before, and it's so hard for me to stop once I start using SI as a coping mechanism. But at this point, I'm not really even caring about any of that. And at this point, it just feels like it's gone way beyond me using SI as a way of lashing out at myself. The self hatred is there, but it just feels like the depression is stronger right now.
I've been very anxious today, too. I don't know why. And I've been very angry. I almost got myself in some real trouble this morning.
I should share that with Dr K. But when I saw her last week, she was already concerned enough about the things I told her about how I'm feeling. I don't know how far her concern would go, along the lines of putting me in the hospital. But I don't want to go there.