the next level...
I have been so depressed, and so angry. And I still am. But over the past two days, the depression has become different for me.
It feels a little scarier. I have times when I can totally block it, and then it hits me full force, and I have problems holding it together. But now, I just simply have no appetite. I've eaten very little the past two days. What I have eaten I've had to force myself to. And I don't know what to do about this.
And even though it feels a little scarier, at the same time, I really don't care.
I called my therapist, Dr K, last night. I can't reach her after hours, but she said I could call and just listen to her message because sometimes that helps. But she also said that I could leave a message and she would call me back.
Well, I called, listened to the message, and after the beep, I hung up. I wanted to say something, wanted to tell her I was having urges to SI.
But I didn't.
So, here I am. I have no idea if this will help at all. And part of me doesn't care.
And part of me wants to call Dr K. And talk to her. Or leave her a message.
And part of me doesn't.
Part of me is torn with even wanting to be here, or anywhere.
I have invited my daughter and her family to dinner Sunday. Maybe that will help? At this point, I don't know. I almost feel lost.