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feeling self destructive...

12 October 2012
Posted by missophelia 
And numb.

And right now, I'm really wanting to SI.

And I keep thinking...What if I SI? What's the big deal.

I mean, tell me why I shouldn't.... Tell me what harm it will do me in the end....

I don't even feel depressed. Or anxious. I just feel nothing.

I suppose I won't do anything. I'm not in any immediate harm. But maybe I say that because I think that, if I hurt myself, I'm not really hurting myself.

And while I'm on the subject, I've never told anyone, except one person I told the other day, but I haven't even told any of my therapists, that I pull my hair. It's thinned quite a bit, actually.

And I guess it's a good thing I see my AA sponsor in the morning.

I suppose having urges to be self destructive will pass?

I don't know.

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7 Comments On This Entry

SI may not seem like a big deal right now, in the moment, but I think after the fact you would regret it. I don't know anything about the feelings behind SI or feelings afterwards, so maybe I am way off here. But from what I have read about it, people are disappointed in themselves afterwards, and it causes more shame and self-blame, and anxiety. I imagine that if you manage to resist the urge, that maybe when it passes, you will feel proud of yourself for not giving in?

I'm sorry to hear about your hair, that must be hard, having to deal with that too. It probably has a lot to do with anxiety.

I hope the urges pass soon. :hug:
Untangling-It-All, 12 October 2012 - 07:27 PM
(((hug)))

ps. i pick my skin. on and off since i was a kid. i can control my 'intentional si' most of the time, but the picking is very hard to control when it's triggered. just mentioning because i think it's very similar to hair pulling. i'm sure your therapist would be understanding if you wanted to discuss it.

there are threads on pandys i think - search trichotillomania or dermatillomania either here or elsewhere on the web - you're not alone.
pink, 13 October 2012 - 04:56 AM
might want to look at this.
pink, 13 October 2012 - 05:01 AM
Untangling

I think that ultimately I would feel worse, in the long run. But I wouldn't get to that point easily, at least not at first. I did resist the urge last night, and I suppose I should feel proud of myself for not giving in. The urges are still there, though. Just trying to stay busy right now.

I'm not even sure about my hair pulling. Maybe it does have to do with anxiety.

Thank you, my friend. :hug:
missophelia, 13 October 2012 - 02:50 PM
pink

It sounds similar, in that it's hard for me to control my hair pulling when it has been triggered. I'm not even sure where to begin with it. And I too can control my "intentional si" most of the time. I resisted last night. Now I just have to get through today. I"m not even sure where to start with my therapist, but I see her Tuesday. Maybe I will bring it up to her.

Thank you for the link. I checked it out briefly this morning, before I had to leave, but I'm home now, so I will give it a good read. It looks helpful. And I think I've seen links here at Pandys, so I'll check them out, too.

Thanks again, and ((((hugs)))) to you too.
missophelia, 13 October 2012 - 02:53 PM
I am proud of you for resisting the urge, even if maybe you don't feel that way right now. I think keeping busy is a good strategy, and I know those feelings will pass. All feelings, no matter what they are, do always eventually pass. I know you are coping with so very much, and how easy it would be to give up. I am glad you haven't given up, and keep trying, every day. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, right now in this moment, whether you hurt yourself or not, but it matters to me, and I know it matters to Dr. K., and your sponsor for sure. Anyone who cares about you. I am thinking of you, and sending hugs to help you keep going :hug: :hug: :hug: And if by any chance since this post you've given in to the urge, please do not feel guilty over it. The thing is, each moment in a day we can choose to start over with how we approach what our feelings are throwing at us. Thinking of you!
Untangling-It-All, 14 October 2012 - 09:30 AM
Untangling

Thank you, for being so encouraging, and for thinking of me. And for the hugs, for sure. :)

I've been ok. Still having urges, but I haven't given in. I just keep trying, even though at times I don't want to.

Thank you again. Your concern means the world to me. :hug: :hug:
missophelia, 14 October 2012 - 11:06 AM
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