I have been a little less depressed today, but I feel like I'm right on the edge, and it would be so easy for me to just slip down into a more severe depression.
And that scares me.
Because the depression I've been dealing with these last few weeks has had me feeling like giving up, like nothing matters. I have been tempted to just stop doing every single thing that I've been doing to try and just keep my head above water.
Of all of the beliefs I have identified, I think the ones in this list are the most difficult for me. Other than those I already listed in my blog, be brave, missophelia. Those spoke to how I feel about myself, from the direct words of the man who raped me. These that I am listing tonight speak to how I feel about myself, from the way I feel about myself.
So here they are.
I am unworthy of anyone's love or good words or praise or of anything
I am not that good at anything, not art or playing piano, or much of anything
I'm not worth all of this work (healing)
I can't do any of this work (healing)
I don't deserve a break
I'm not allowed to be happy
I'm a broken mess
I'm a lost cause
I will never get any better
I'm not strong
If I killed myself or cut myself no one would care
I hate myself and that's ok
It's a little overwhelming, reading over this list. It's a little overwhelming, reading my past blogs, reading the list I have from therapy.
It's more than a little overwhelming trying to imagine the work ahead of me, and trying to imagine a life where I've worked on these beliefs and changed them and where I feel different, and better, and more whole.
But I think I have made some progress. I am really questioning the beliefs I have had about it being my fault that I was raped. The self blame, believing I deserved it, believing I should have done more to try and get away from him.
Although, at times, I can't imagine a life where I don't feel and believe the way I do today, about the self blame. About any of it.
And it's scary. It's just all scary. It's almost like my future feels so uncertain.
Because I don't know any other me than the me I have known since I was a 10 year old girl, from that day that I was molested.
But, as scary as all of this is, as overwhelming as it is, and as it feels, I think I have to move forward, and continue working on this. I have been in therapy for 4 years now. And I know that I have made progress. To let the fear overwhelm me now would be throwing away all the hard work I have done to get me to this point. And it would be sending me back to the life I lived, one of complete and utter inner turmoil and mounting depression.
Because if I hadn't started therapy when I did, I do believe that I would not be here today.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me for tonight. I hope everyone has a good evening.